160: When Family Doesn’t Support Your Goals | Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps after Babies radio episode number 160.

Hello and welcome to Biceps after Babies radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four.  Each week, my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.

 

Amber B  0:47  

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of biceps after babies radio, I'm your host, Amber Brueseke and I am so happy that you are here. If you have been following along, we just wrapped up enrollment, the Fall Enrollment for my signature coaching program Macros 101. And I just have to say, I am so excited for the women who have said yes and who are joining us. I don't take it lightly when people entrust me and come and join our program. And it is really humbling to be able to be a part of somebody's journey. And the enrollment period is always kind of a crazy time for the team. It's kind of a crazy time for me. There's a lot going on behind the scenes that you know, hopefully you don't really notice or see on the front end. But on the back end, there's a lot of things going on to make something like an enrollment period work. There's just a lot of moving parts. And I'm really, really proud of the team. I'm really proud of how we work together. I was telling Carley, who is my number two, we call her an integrator. She's basically our project manager. And I was telling her how I feel like this launch has just been the smoothest one that we've ever done. And it's a lot because of her and how she's organized the team and how she's, you know, divided things out and really stayed on top of things. And I just felt really proud of the team this time around. I feel like we showed up in a big way. And we served a ton of women. And whether or not you joined Macros 101, I hope that you came to our free five day challenge. And I hope that you were blown away, we really shifted perspectives, we gave some mind blowing content in that free five day challenge. And our whole goal, whenever we do a challenge, whenever we do an enrollment period is always for people to whether or not they join Macros 101, whether or not they come and join us in the program is for them to walk away and be like, dang, like, that was amazing, that was a lot of amazing content. And I really feel like we nailed it this time. And I think that people, even people who didn't come and join the program, walked away feeling like they got so much value from the week. And that just makes me so excited. That means that we did what we set out to do. 

 

Amber B  3:06

And for those of you who are listening who did come and join us in Macros 101, I just can't, even though this is like my favorite part of the journey. Because on some level, I think you have a hope and a wish for what this process is going to look like. And you're hoping that it's going to be valuable, and you're hoping that the coaching is going to be good and you're hoping that you're going to get the breakthroughs. And you just have no idea what's in store for you. So much growth. So much transformation is in store for those of you who said yes to yourself and are coming and joining us in Macros 101, it just gets me so excited. Like it feels almost like a new school year where it's like, just possibility is before us. So I'm getting into coaching. I'm getting into taking those ladies through the process inside of Macros 101. If you missed enrollment, we will be opening enrollment in March of next year. So march of 2022. That'll be the next time that you can join us and you can get on the waitlist right now for March at bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist. 

 

Amber B  4:08  

Now I am getting into coaching clients inside of Macros 101. So I thought this week I would bring you another free coaching Friday. This is a conversation that I had with Laurie, and we talked about something that I think a lot of people will relate to, because none of us live on an island. All of us have relationships and people in our lives. And as much as we maybe don't want to admit it, the things that people in our lives who we love and the things that they say to us really impact us in our journey. And some of us are, you know, blessed to have amazing supportive spouses, supportive friends, and some of us aren't. And I think it can be really discouraging and really harmful, especially the closer that those people are to you, right? Like a parent, a sibling, a spouse, those, it can be really hard to have those people not believe in you. And so the conversation that I had with Laurie I think is going to hit home with a lot of you who maybe struggle with people in your life who don't really believe in you, they don't really think that you can do it. And their inability to believe is causing you to have doubts about yourself, and about whether or not you can do this. And so I coach Laurie, through that. I coach her through this and through the process of, you know, what does that look like? What does that mean if somebody is telling you that they don't think that you can do it? How can you move forward in your goals with that in the background? And I think that this coaching conversation, one of the reasons I wanted to put on the podcast is I think that we end up getting deep down into some of the things that Laurie didn't really realize herself. And like I always say in Macros 101, the questions that people ask are not usually what actually needs to be addressed. And I feel like with this coaching conversation, we really got down to the nitty gritty of what was really going on with Laurie and her struggles and how to help her to work through it. So I'm really excited for you to listen to this coaching interaction with Laurie.

 

Amber  6:25  

Let's start with your question. 

 

Laurie  6:28  

My question is, how do I stay motivated, like I'll be doing okay, you know, good. And then I'll just kind of put on the brakes, and I'll just stop, like everything. You know, I'll just be like, for example, I'll just be like, okay, many cuts, gonna count my macros, I'm going to monitor what I eat and then I'll just be like, Well, you know, I'm on my cycle. So I deserve a regular Coke, or, you know, fully loaded, or I deserve an Oreo cookie, or it's like, I don't deserve anything, you know, it's like, I need to be good, you know, and be healthy and lose away, and I just, I'll be doing good. And then I'll just, these demons just come into my mind, or people, certain people will say, You're not gonna be able to get there, you're not gonna be able to make it. So just give up. Because I've given up a ton, you know, I've tried, and I've stopped so many times on my journey, that it's just so hard to believe in myself and think, you know, I can actually do this. You know, and I'm just kind of at the point where I'm determined now, because, you know, I'm 48, I'm not getting any younger. My children deserve a healthy Mom, I deserve to be a healthy wife, you know, it's just my body aches, and I just don't feel well. I just want to, I want to do it for myself this time, I want to actually accomplish this, but I'll be working out. You know, and I know it's not like something that can happen overnight, you're not gonna lose 100 pounds overnight, but it's just like, I'll be doing really good. And then I'll just kind of put on the brakes. Like, sabotage, I don't even know why I do that. 

 

Amber B  8:14  

Good. Yeah, oh, this is gonna be great. Because, put one in the comments if you are relating to anything that Laurie is talking about, I like I guarantee Laurie, this is something that a lot of women struggle with. So we're going to help you we're going to work through this together. And it's gonna be really valuable for me to listen to you, because this is something that's super common, and you nailed it. But this is a manifestation of self sabotage. I want to start out by addressing one thing that you said, Okay, so you said, I don't deserve anything. And I would say you deserve everything. Okay, this is not a matter of whether or not you deserve things, because you, you deserve everything. You are worthy. You deserve everything in life that you want to have, like you are 100% deserving. Okay. So let's lead with that and come from this place that has nothing to do with your worthiness, this has nothing to do with whether or not you deserve things. Okay. 

 

Amber B  9:17  

Number two, you talked about putting on the brakes, which I love. Because an analogy and a metaphor that I use a lot is that a lot of times we are in our fitness journey. Obviously this can apply to any goal that you're trying to achieve, but that we are, you know, pushing on the gas. It's just like when you're in the car and you're like pushing on the gas and you're trying to get somewhere and you're like, what is going on? Like, my car feels really weird. Like, I'm not going as fast as I should be going. I keep stopping. And then you're like, oh, the parking brakes on. Right? Have you ever had that experience? I've had the experience where you're like you forgot to release the parking brake. Oh, okay. So like, all I have to do is release the parking brake. And now when I push on the gas, I actually go forward and that's what a lot of women experience in their journey is they're pushing the gas and it's not working. And inherently, they often think, oh, the solution is to push the gas harder. The solution is to just try harder, the solution is to just eat better, the solution is to just be healthier and like, get out, you know, get out of it. So we think that the solution is to just push harder on that gas. But if your parking brake is on, Laurie, and you push harder on the gas, is that gonna fix the problem?

 

Laurie  10:33  

Um, no, I don't know. I just feel like now, if your parking brake is on you push the gas? No, it's not going to make us go anywhere.

 

Amber B  10:41  

Good. So what is the actual solution to the problem? Metaphorically, I'm talking metaphorically? If the break is on? Yeah, the parking brake, you know, releases the parking brake. And when you release the parking brake, then when you put effort and energy into something, then you actually start going. And so I think that's the first thing that I want to say to you and to everybody who's listening is that this doesn't have anything to do with your dedication, this doesn't have anything to do with your worthiness, it doesn't have anything to do with, oh, you just need to have more willpower, or you just need to grit it out. Like it has nothing to do with any of those things. There's a parking brake on. And so we need to figure out how to release the parking brake. And that's what's going to be really powerful for you. 

 

Amber B  11:28 

Now, one of the things that I noticed in a lot of the language that you use, as you were talking to me, was this good and bad framework. So I heard a lot of judgment, and the way that you were speaking, right, I need to eat good food, I need to eat healthy, good. I need to not eat bad food. I heard a lot of like, good and bad in that. And that's totally normal. Because for most of us, that's something that we've heard all of our lives, right? Is this good food? Broccoli is a good food. Soda is a bad food. And so we ‘re like, that's not your fault. Most of us have grown up in our lives having that good and bad idea. What I want you to consider is when you label foods, good or bad. Okay, you mentioned Oreos. I'm with you there. Love me some more. Yes. You mentioned Oreo. So when you eat what you deemed a bad food, how does that make you feel?

 

Laurie  12:30  

Well, it used to make me feel bad, but I just like whatever, you know, like, I'm just gonna eat it anyways. Because, you know, I just have some people in my life who are just like micromanagers about what I eat. You know, I'm 48 years old, I'm not gonna have you tell me what to eat. So I'll just eat it anyway. One or two, I won't eat the whole, you know, roll or whatever. But so I'm trying to let go of the guilt and shame by just eating the Oreo count in my macros. You know, I'm just, you know, but I don't eat it every day. You know, I don't eat one every day or whatever. But… 

 

Amber B  13:07  

Wonderful. Okay, awesome. So for those of you who are listening, this is the first step that Laurie is talking about that she started taking, and that is removing that judgment away from food. because traditionally Laurie, what happens is if we do have that good or bad label, that when we eat something that is bad, then we feel that guilt and shame, and we go down the shame spiral, right, and then we end up eating more cookies, because well, we already made mistake, and we already like feel guilty about it, we might as well like enjoy it, and then we like get back on track. And many of you listening have experienced that shame cycle. That is a direct consequence of labeling food good and bad. 

Amber B  13:45  

Okay, so what Laurie is talking about is step number one is moving to that place of non judgment, and releasing that judgment that we have on food. And those labels that we have on food have good and bad, healthy, unhealthy. And that's where macro counting can really be valuable in helping to shift that perspective into like, it's not good or bad. It's just that it has a certain amount of macros and I track it and move forward. Right? So that's step number one.

 

Amber B  14:08

I'm also hearing in some of your language, a little bit of rebelliousness. And that's awesome. Like, so many of us have that where when somebody tells us, we can't have something or someone looks down on us, and we're like, I'm gonna show you, I'm gonna eat the cookie. Like, don't mind, don't micromanage my food, I'm gonna eat the cookie. So that's really common as well, we can start to recognize that that's your brain starting to rebel against something else, and how we can start to maybe soften that a little bit to move you forward. So I'm curious, what is your goal? 

 

Laurie  14:44  

My goal is to you know, it's kind of funny because it's like, I always had like, this number on the scale, like, went away 145 you know, but I'm 5’10”. You know, I just don't think that's, I mean, before I had kids, I was like, 149 or whenever I was doing Weight Watchers and I gained 70 pounds with my first son, stuff like that was totally thinking I need to do. And then I just feel like my weight loss journey is just the struggle ever since after that I was diagnosed with low thyroid. I just don't know if being fat just probably contributes to that. But I've done HCG and everything and tried to like, eat 500 calories, what she lost the weight that you gained back, and then so I'm like, it's not really healthy. Yeah, so my goal is to be healthy, like I want to learn to just live a lifestyle of like, being able to eat what I want to incorporate whatever, in my diet. And my goal is to lose, you know, 80 plus pounds. And to firm up, like, you know, obviously weights and I've been trying to do this week, I've done two times this week, I did weights and cardio, like cardio. So, you know, I have two more days left in the week. So I was planning to do today and tomorrow, but I don't know if that's just jumping to a four out of the gate, like running full force, you know, I just want to be able to manage it to where I don't give up, you know, I keep going. So it's just learning to like, love myself in the process, and just know that it's not gonna happen overnight, and just give myself grace to just like, get there. And not really set a date because I'm always like, Okay, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds this month. And, you know, it's like, that's not probably gonna happen. I need to just realize that and just, I don't know, like, I want to accomplish this goal, like, it's a huge goal in my life. No, before I turn 49, I want to be down, you know, healthier, and just, I feel like, when you lose weight, people come out of the Woodworks and they notice you and they treat you differently than when you're heavy. And I just want to be, well love myself, first, I want to teach my children how to be healthy, and I want to have it be my life, from here on out. Because I just felt like my body is unhealthy. It's achy, my joints, my knees, you know, and my feet and I just, I feel like I'm at but I'm not, you know. And I've done it to myself, I just, there's no one to blame, but me, you know, but I need to figure it out. Because I don't want to keep buying bigger clothes. And, you know, just, I've reached the end of my rope. Where I'm just like, enough is enough. And I'm willing to sacrifice and put into work right now. 

 

Amber B  17:38  

Awesome. So this isn't about blaming anybody, though. You said that I'm to blame. This is well, 

 

Laurie  17:45  

I'm the one that ate the food and didn't exercise. You know, I mean, I chose those. But those are my choices. And so

 

Amber B  17:51  

I love the ownership in that, okay, because that's really powerful. Laurie, when you own the choices that you've made in the past, then you step into a place in your life where you can make new choices, right? When you take that ownership and that accountability, then you're able to make changes in your life. So I think that's really important. But I think ownership is very different from blame. And I think that's a very valuable distinction to make, like, ownership is powerful. Blame is shameful. Yeah. So I have a question for you. On a scale, you've mentioned this a couple times about loving yourself, on a scale of 0 to 10, how much do you love yourself?

 

Laurie  18:32  

Honestly, I used to, it used to be like, zero or negative, but I'm trying to be better, you know, I'm trying to say, okay, you know, what? I weigh over 200 pounds, okay. And 240 pounds, but you know what? I love my body because it's my body, you know, and it has curves and dimples and whatever. And I'm trying to see the beauty in that, you know, because there's beauty in that. It works, it functions, you know, and so, I've tried to be even though there are certain people in my life that criticize that every day, and look down on me, I'm trying to just see that there's beauty in myself. And just, you know, like, I used to just not want to be on this earth anymore, you know, but it's like, I'm trying to overcome that and just look into I'm trying to find that. So I'd say on a scale of one to 10 is probably not quite maybe 2 or 5 yet, but I'm trying to get there like you know. 

 

Amber B  19:40  

Okay, great. Who are these people who criticize you? 

 

Laurie  19:45  

People that I'm married to. You know what I mean, they try and say things, they think they're gonna help but it's detrimental in a way that it's not really helping. It's kind of what I put the brakes on and it's psychological. I don't really know I'm doing it, but it's like, but I should be like, I'll show you, you know, I'll do this, but it's not really shouldn't do it for him. I need to do it for myself.

 

Amber B  20:12  

Yeah, a little bit of that rebelliousness is coming out, too. Yeah, you want me to do this? So I'm gonna do it. Have you had a conversation with your partner about this?

 

Laurie  20:24  

Yes, I have, you know, I said, it's not really good for you to do that. And then he says, I'll never he says, you'll never be able to get this off. Like, you'll never be able to get it. Because I've always given up, you see me just give up, you know? So it is found out, it's never gonna happen. You know, and I'm gonna keep getting bigger and bigger in his mind, and he's worried about it, you know? And so he's out of fear for him. He's like, worried about my health and everything. But then he's just like, yeah, like, this is never gonna happen. 

 

Amber B  20:55  

Okay. So one of the things that I think is important for you to realize, so that you can pass it on to your partner, is his concern for you is real, right? Because concern for you is real, it's coming from a place of love, it's coming from a place of concern. But it doesn't matter really what his intent is, it's what happens because of that. And while his intent may be good, it's actually causing you to self sabotage, it's actually keeping you from getting to the goal, but he wants you so deeply to get to. Okay. And I think that's important. First of all, I think it's important for you to understand, and I really think it's important for that communication with him to happen, because it's important for him to understand as well. It's well intentioned, but it's actually backfiring on him. Okay. And so if he really does want you to get there, he really does care about you reaching this goal, then he's doing the exact opposite of what would actually help you reach that goal.

 

Laurie  22:00  

I feel like if you said you can do this, you got it. And I Treme on that I would, you know, I love Yeah, whatever. I would just be more willing to do it. Yeah, I don't know.

 

Amber B  22:08  

And it is 100% okay for you also to create boundaries around this, like, here's the boundary, here's what, here's what I request of you. Right, I think it's really powerful to make requests of people. Rather than telling people what to do. It's really powerful to make requests and say, here's what I'm requesting of you. And three things can happen. When you make a request, the person can say, yes, the person can say no, the person can say, yeah, let's make these adjustments and then I can follow through on that request. But it gives them options. And it gives it an open communication, instead of like, this is the way it's going to be so we can make a request and we can create boundaries. And I think you are creating healthy boundaries about what is and what isn't helpful from him. And being very clear about those expectations and boundaries is going to allow him to see that he wants to help you. And you need to tell him the way that is actually going to help you. Because he's trying right now and it's not effective. And when he understands that and you are more clear with him, I'm like, No, this is how I need to be supported. Are you willing to do this? Are you willing to make this request, but this is how you talk to me about it, then his love and his concern can be manifested in a way that actually supports him.Do you think if he understood that, things would start to shift?

 

Laurie  23:28  

Yeah, I think so. I think he would, you know, he always says, I'm not going to bring it for weight again, because you know, and then he'll bring it up, you know, and I'm just like, Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know. Okay, it's, I see every day, I see every day.

 

Amber B  23:44  

Keep it, that's where you get a hold of that boundary. Okay. So once you've created that boundary, it is now your responsibility to hold that boundary. And when you have made a request of him and he has accepted that request, then it's your job to hold the boundary and to not let the boundary be crossed. Like when that happens. It isn't Oh, yeah, I know, I know, I know, if I asked you not to mention my weight, and I'm making that request of you to please not mention my weight, let's talk about something else. But it's your job to hold that boundary. And it takes some training, right? There's a lot of years here. A lot of years, like habits and patterns, and it may take some practice with you reminding him of the boundary. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he has habits that you have to help him to break by protecting that boundary. 

 

Amber B  23:44  

But I think Laurie we're getting to like the deeper things that are actually keeping you stuck. And it is this idea that, like, if somebody is criticizing you daily, and you're somebody who likes to be rebellious a little bit, and I say that and I think sometimes there's a bad connotation with rebellious I'm not using it in that term. Just some of us to kick the trend more than normal on Gretchen Rubin, I don't know if you know Gretchen Rubin, but she wrote a book better than before. And she talks about the four tendencies. And the rebel, the rebel is one of them. It's just a tendency that people like to rebel. And so if you have somebody and you have a little bit of rebelliousness in you, and they're criticizing you, that is actually going to be detrimental to you reaching the goals. And having that conversation with your husband, he doesn't realize it. He loves you. He's concerned about you, he wants to help. But helping them to realize that what he's doing is the opposite of that is going to help him to step into this new way. You someone said here, you teach them. Yeah, you teach people how to treat you. Right? We teach people how to treat us. And so now it's about this part number, I asked you, we're going back to that question, I asked you on a scale of zero to 10, how much do you love yourself? And you gave me a four or five? What would it take to increase that? What would it take to go from a 4 to 5, to go from a 5 to 6?

 

Laurie  26:01  

I think that it would be most likely not having those daily negative people talking negatively about me, and I'm just believing in myself and just maybe seeing some progress and some change. And just knowing that, because I feel like you know when to lose like five or 10 pounds or 10 pounds, you know, you're like, Okay, you know, like, I can do this. I think it's more consistent. Maybe me getting more sleep would help me help myself more. Okay. 

 

Amber B  26:48  

Okay, so we've labeled a couple of things. And I want to talk through these individually. Because these are really important. This is where we start to get into the action, right? This is where we start to get into the next step. And anytime I'm coaching with somebody, the first step is always like starting to uncover what the deeper thing is, what the deeper thing is, that's keeping you stuck. And then from there, once we've uncovered that, identify it, it's really important to have that next step so that as you go back to your journey, as you go back to making decisions that you have a next step that you're moving towards. Now a problem and a mistake that a lot of people make as they're trying to determine their next step is they have steps that are very general, or they have steps that are non binary, or they have steps that aren't even really related to what the actual goal is so or they have sets that aren't completely within their control. So have you ever heard me talk about the difference between a process goal and an outcome goal? 

 

Laurie  27:43  

I don't think so. 

 

Amber B  27:45  

Okay, so a process goal, Well, this is really, a process goal is something that is 100%, within your control. Okay, so I want to drink eight ounces of water, right? When I wake up five days a week, is that within my control? Do I like to make all the choices surrounding that to make sure that happens? Yes. So that would be an example of a process goal. An outcome goal is something that you would like to happen, but is not entirely within your control, or the timetable is not within your control. So something like losing 80 pounds is where you want to go. That's where you want to get to. There's no wrong with that goal. But it's an outcome goal. It's not within your control. And so when we can distinguish between the two, and we can say this is an outcome goal, but this is a process goal to get me to that outcome goal, we can focus our attention on the process goal of like, what was it within Laurie's control to move towards that outcome goal? So the first one that you gave me when I asked what it would take to move up one number is that you would have daily people be negative around you, right?  Is that an outcome goal? Or is that a process goal?

 

Laurie  28:49  

Well, I think that was an outcome because I don't have control over what they say. 

 

Amber B  28:55  

Exactly. So you don't have control over it. It doesn't mean it's a bad goal. We just recognize that it's an outcome goal, and we need a process goal to be associated with that. So if you can't control other people, which, I mean, unfortunately, we can't. So you can't control other people. What is within your control in that realm?

 

Laurie  29:15  

I guess, my mood, the way I accept or the way I deal with what they say to me. I can do just whatever, you know, I don't know what I have control over what I eat. 

 

Amber B  29:33  

Came in the realm of how people treat you. I'm gonna stick to that. 

 

Laurie  29:38  

Well, I have control over  just the way I am losing my thoughts here. Like if I say something to me, I don't have to be upset like I can just let it roll off my back, you know, and just, you know, or just say, Hey, you know, you are not supposed to say that, you know, like…

 

Amber B  30:01  

Yes. Okay. Yeah. And so that I think that idea of holding boundaries is a really great process goal for you, because that's within your control of like, and that process goal could look like something like, if my partner says something about my weight, I will immediately say, hey, that's a boundary and you're crossing that. Right? I will bring it up immediately. And that is with 100%, within your control, and is that going to help you to get the outcome that you want which is to have less daily negative things said to you? Yes, but do you see how it's so powerful because that's within your control and the other one isn't? Okay, cool. So that's the first one. 

 

Amber B  30:44  

The second one that you talked about was making progress on your goal is the only way to love your body more by making progress.

 

Laurie  30:54  

I guess I think so. But I just need to learn to love me, you know, for me, you know, I always tell my husband, the love isn't only on the outside, it's it goes deeper than that, you know, and so, like, I'm the same person, you married me 22 years ago, but I look different physically. But I'm the same Laurie, you know, inside, like it’s the same me. 

 

Amber B  31:16  

So right. Now, you already told me that you used to be zero on this scale, and you're at a 4 to a 5 now. Is that only because you made progress in your goals? Or were there other factors involved? 

 

Laurie  31:37  

I just think that I just tried to let go of a lot of things, you know, like, let go of trying to be so perfect. You know, like, perfection is something that I struggle with, you know, and I'm just, I want everything to be so perfect. You know, and if it can't be perfect, then I can't achieve it, you know, and so, I've just tried to let that go, like, I know that is transformation I'm trying to get is going to take longer than I think in my head, it's not going to take like a month or two, it's gonna be years down the road, it's not going to be just a year, you know, it's gonna be 42 years, and I have to just think, accept that and just love myself for me. You know, and I have qualities that other people don't have. I'm just trying to, like, you know, look at myself and just pick out what's good. You know, like, I don't know, like, I can be a good homemaker. And I can make homemade yogurt. And I can, you know, like, Okay, I'm good. I can do something good. You know, like, just look at the good things.

 

Amber B  32:47  

Yeah. So what I'm hoping is that everybody that was listening, heard what Laurie was talking about. Because Laurie, I don't know that you picked this up and what you're talking about, but you moved from a zero to a four to five on this scale and it was not linked to progress. It was not linked to external progress. It was linked to some of the other internal work that you did. And so if we know that you move from a zero to a four to five, without necessarily having to see external progress. Is it possible to move up to a 10 even without external progress?

 

Laurie  33:28  

Yeah, I think it is, I think it like, like, when you're just, if you get up and you get ready for the day, and you put makeup on, and you're like, you know, you do hair or whatever, you get things done around the house, you just feel good. You know, like, you're like, Okay, I can accomplish things, versus just hanging out in pajamas and just like, being lazy, you know, that kind of brings it down. I feel like the more you accomplish, the more you can, you know, I don't know, love yourself and just serve others. And I don't know. 

 

Amber B  33:59  

I love it. Yeah, so I think I'm gonna come back to this, because I think this is a really, really important point that I really want to make sure that you're picking up Laurie and that everybody else who's listening is picking up is that it is possible to go from a zero to a 10 in terms of your self confidence and your love without anything changing externally. Now, that is not to say that I don't support weight loss goals. That is not to say that I'm not here to help you to reach these physical goals that you have. I am. And because I'm so invested in you reaching those goals, and helping you to realize that there's a separation between the self love and the confidence that you want, and the actual goal that you have set. And when we can separate those two things and not have them intertwined, we're able to get to both of them much faster. When we combine those two and we can conflate self worth and competence and self love with our external appearance when we conflate those two and make and collapse them into one thing. You'll struggle with both. So they're different. And when we can separate them out. You're going to achieve Both of them much faster and much easier. So that is a really, really important point that I want to make sure that you're taking away from this as I think you know that self love is incredibly valuable. And if you don't have to change anything about your body to get there, and you've already proven that because you've gone from a zero to a five already, which means you can go from a five to a ten. Okay. 

 

Amber B  35:21  

Now, you talked about doing things that make you feel good. Have you ever sat down and made a list of those things that are like self care lists like these are the things that make me feel good on a given day? 

 

Laurie  35:35  

No, I should do that, though. 

 

Amber B  35:37  

Okay, well, then, that's your homework assignment.  I mean, for anybody else who's resonate with this, that can be a really big homework assignment for you, too, is what makes you feel good. Because guys, when we feel good, we do good. We are like, we're more positive, we are sticking to our goals better, we are more consistent, like when we feel good when we're taking care of. And this includes boundaries like I'm not talking about only bubble baths. Like this includes boundaries including getting ready in the morning, it includes how you're talking to yourself, but when we feel good, we show up differently. Okay, and this is about showing up differently in your life, Laurie, and you said something so important. You've had 48 years to learn a lot. But you've been ingrained for 48 years with a lot of this stuff. It's not a split, it's not gonna like, we're gonna have this conversation and it's going to make some changes, but it's not telling magically transform everything, it's going to take time, because you're 48 years of programming that you're trying to counteract, it's going to take time. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. And it doesn't mean you can't get there. And so I love what you said about really how you're starting to move from that perfectionistic mentality to like, what is the next step? How can I start to make progress? That is incredibly valuable, because that's what's going to help you to move to like, shirk off all of that 48 years of programming, and really start to like step into this new version of Laurie, because that's what you're stepping into. 

 

Amber B  33:59  

The old version of Laurie is what's created the results that you have now. And if you want different results, we have to step into a new version of Laurie. And I always tell my clients that stepping into this new version of you isn't a once and done event. It isn't like you're gonna wake up and you're like the new version of Laurie who like always sticks to her goals who like, never talks bad about anybody who like always is what like, whatever it is that you're looking for, and you're not gonna step into her and like, just magically be her one day, the way that it looks. And here's what I'm telling you because I want you to start to recognize the progress that's been made, because I've heard so much progress in the way that you spoke about how you've been through this process. But the way that it happens is you see glimpses of her. So you stand up to your husband and create a boundary, that's a glimpse of you stepping into this new Laurie and then you may go back to the regular Laurie that you're more comfortable with, but you saw a glimpse of her. And then you may, you know, show up three days a week for two weeks at the gym. And that's like a glimpse of the new Laurie and then you may go back and that's okay. That's the normal process. It's like, celebrating whenever you see glimpses of stepping into that new version of yourself. And then recognizing that it's okay that you may go back, the goal isn't to flip a switch, the goal is to see her more and more frequently. It's to step into that version of Laurie, more frequently than not until eventually, like that's just who you are. It's your new identities, a new version of Laurie of how you show up in this new way. But I think it's really important to recognize it's not a switch, and that we need to celebrate every time that new version of Laurie shows up. That's a big, big, big deal when she does celebrate it be like, Hey, I'm stepping into this new version and then recognize it may not stay that way. That's okay. So yeah, we're gonna see her we're going to like, celebrate when we see her and then we're going to move more and more into this new version of Laurie. And as you do that, things are going to shift.

 

Laurie 39:15  

Okay, kind of like three steps forward, two steps back and a big one step back. Yes,

 

Amber B  39:19  

Yes, I like the word glimpses rather than like two steps back because it's not, it isn't actually a step back. It's just your glimpse of her, and it's gonna be more and more frequent. It's like, instead of seeing one glimpse of her week, you're going to see two glimpses of her a week, and then you're going to see four glimpses of her week, and then maybe you'll spend a day as her and you'll feel the difference. So it's not necessarily about going backwards. It's about seeing glimpses of her and having that happen more and more frequently as you move forward.

 

Laurie  39:48  

Okay, so I want to say something really funny. I was at the gym yesterday and I was there, it didn't have makeup on. I had my hat on backwards. You know, I'm chubby, and I was washing my hands before I left the gym and a young girl came up to me. She's like, in high school or something. And she goes, you're very pretty. You know, so she could see my beauty, you know, through all that stuff. So it kind of made my night, you know?

 

Amber B  40:14  

Yes, yes. And I think we can appreciate those things when we get that external validation. And I think we can also base our self worth off of what we think of ourselves, what you think about yourself, it matters way more than what anybody else thinks. And so yes, we have been conditioned to accept that verbal, external, you know, confirmation that we're doing something, right. But it can be a dangerous foundation to build upon because then when people don't say that to you then you start to question whether or not you are pretty or you are worthy. And it doesn't really matter what it may be.  So it's valuable to have that understanding of like, yes, that feels good when someone says something nice to me. And I don't have to have that so  high self esteem. 

 

Laurie  40:58  

So that's something that we need to work on, you know? 

 

Amber B  41:00  

Yeah. I mean, literally, that's what life is about. It's about having lessons that are given to you things that you need to learn and learning them, and then progressing on to the next lesson.  You know, what life continues to give you the lessons that you need. And sometimes it takes us longer than we want to have learned the lesson. And that's okay. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us, it just means that there are like, sometimes sub lessons that we need to learn first, and life just continues to hand you that lesson until you've learned it. And hey, it takes some people 97 years, some people don't ever reach it. And it doesn't matter, because each of us are on our own journey of progression of evolution. So you know, once you figure this out, once you feel really good about this, there's got to be something else. So there's a race. It's not about racing, it's just about running the race that you're in currently, and each of us has our own race that we're currently running.

 

Laurie  41:56  

So just to compare, it used to be like, I need to be fit, like this person or that person, I need to, you know, it's a race, I need to hurry and get there, you know, like, I mean, but now it's like, no, it's not a race, they have to do it healthy and whatever, you know,

 

Amber B  42:10  

 The race that you're in is your own race. It's not a competition. It's like, how can I learn the lessons that are being presented to me. The faster that you learn those lessons, the faster you get through those lessons, the next then you again, but then you've just progressed to something else, like there's always something else. That's what I want you guys to hear is like, there's not a finish line. But personal evolution, personal growth, there's no finish line, there's always a next level new devil. And that's cool. That's awesome. That's exciting. That gets me excited, like, what's the next thing? What's the next thing that I'm going to come up against because there's going to be something else. But that is personal evolution versus personal growth. And I just need you to see Laurie, like, I just need to see how much evolution you've already had. Like, I feel like if I had talked to Laurie a year ago, this conversation would have been incredibly different. It would have been a credibly different conversation, you already have made so much progress in this and so much personal evolution. And that's only going to continue. You're on the right track. 

 

Laurie  43:14  

Okay, thank you. You're good. 

 

Amber B  43:16  

Awesome, Laurie, that was so fun. 

 

Amber B  43:18 

I hope that you took away some information from that coaching conversation with Laurie, I always say over and over and over in Macros 101, that there is a lot of power in getting coached through your struggles. And simultaneously a ton of power and listening to other people get coached. Oftentimes, we're able to see things in other people's stories that are maybe harder to see in ours. And having that outside perspective of being able to listen to the questions that I asked even to listen to the prompts and the teaching and the diving deep that we do is going to help you in your journey. And that's one of the things that I love about what we do in Macros 101, I love that I get to coach women through these things, and really start to help to facilitate that transformation. So I hope that you enjoyed this free coaching Friday. And that wraps up this episode of biceps after babies radio. I'm Amber now, go out and be strong. Because remember my friend, you can do anything. 

 

Outro

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