283: Transforming Your Negative Self-Talk | Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 283. 

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and inside of my signature coaching program, MACROS 101, one of the bedrocks of the program is coaching and the type of coaching that you get inside of MACROS 101 is very different from lots of different programs that you've probably been in, in the way that I coach, in the way that I ask questions and the way that I dive deep down into what's truly keeping someone stuck and being able to work on a transformation from the inside out. Recognizing that when we change the way we think, we change the way that we show up, that naturally our physical appearance, our physical attributes become a byproduct of that. And so every so often I like to bring you a coaching call conversation from one of my programs. So that you can kind of not only see what coaching is like inside of my programs but also start to get the benefit of being able to listen to other people get coached. There is incredible value in hearing somebody else ask a question that maybe you've wondered yourself and get coached through it. And today's topic is a doozy because it's one that I think so many women can relate to, and that is “How do I shift the negative voice inside my head?” You know, that inner critic that so many of us have that tell us we're not good enough? Tell us we're never going to be successful. That negative voice that tries to get in our way all the time. You have it, I have it, we all have some version of that inner critic. Some people's inner critic is a little louder than others, some people maybe have learned to tame their inner critic. But I think I would be lying if I said that, you know, someone out there is free and never, never thinks bad thoughts about themselves. I think that's probably unrealistic. So learning how to live with that inner critic, how to silence that inner critic is really important and really valuable. And that's why this coaching call is such a good one and something that's going to hopefully be really valuable to you as you listen to it. So if you are someone who struggles with negative self-thoughts, listen to this episode and listen to the coaching that I give. And see if you can start to incorporate some of the things that I teach. Let's dive into the coaching conversation. 

Alicia 03:06 

So, I have been struggling with this for a long time and I finally reached out on Circle and I've been riding back and forth to Coach Julie about this few days and I just got back from an amazing vacation with my family. And we were in Hawaii, we wear swimsuits the whole time, which really sparked a lot of these feelings and emotions. And so I lost, I lost about 20 lbs or so, about 5 or 6 years ago and then I put on about 15 lbs last summer and I didn't start feeling this until the change of seasons and I started putting some of my pants on in the Fall. And I started feeling all of this tightness and I was coached in the Fall about it and I really started noticing it and really started getting in my head and as I was trying on more and more pants, I'm feeling more and more tightness and I noticed my weight on the scales was obviously a lot heavier, and then when we went to Hawaii, I'm noticing all of my swimming suits were fitting a lot tighter and I had a birthday, my 49th birthday, the first Sunday, just a few days into our trip and I just, I told myself that my birthday wish was that I wanted to give myself this last year, just self talk just a positive self-talk, but I really, the greatest wish for myself was that I didn't want to compare myself to anybody. I wanted to just be able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I looked, that I looked good. And that I didn't want to compare myself to anybody else. And we do travel a lot with my husband's company and a lot of them are really younger girls and they all have really beautiful bodies and they're, that's hard for me and I do compare myself to them. Sorry, and I try not to and I just am so tired of that negative self-thought and I’d just don't know how to get rid of it and I’d just feel so stuck. And I've been coached on it several times with another coach that I have and so I sat and looked in the mirror that day in Hawaii and I said this is the gift that I wanna give to myself. I have so many friends that I would never talk to like this. Like never talk to my daughter, like this would never talk to my sisters or any loved ones like this, I just want to give this gift to myself and I feel so stuck and I just don't know how to get out of it. And I feel like I'm making progress in this journey. I'm definitely losing some weight. But just as Elizabeth was saying I could so relate to her because every picture that we looked at on the beach, like all the pictures my daughter was taking, I was like, oh, I don't want to look at them. And seeing these little fat rolls in the pictures and I don't want to talk like that, in front of my kids, either they're all older. And so, I just want to let go of that because I don't want that anymore and especially the older I get and in front of my daughter, she's 23 and so I'm stuck. I feel really, really stuck and I know that that's a choice and I know that, that I loved how you said that it's a cost analysis and that it feels so much better to just let go of that. But I just don't know how. And I constantly tell myself that I can’t let go that sorry. I just don’t know and I would love your help and Julie has been really helpful in the past two days. Ohh here I am, crying in front of all you beautiful women. So thank you. 

Amber B 7:26 

No, I mean this is such a good conversation and I know that so many women listening to this can relate because, to give yourself a little bit of grace, Alicia, like, you've been speaking this way to yourself, my guess is for a very long time. 

Alicia 07:41 

Yeah.  

Amber B 07:42 

OK, so we can give a little bit of grace to yourself and anything we do repeatedly for a very long time isn't just going to be a flip of a switch. So, giving yourself some grace and recognizing that having something be challenging to change is not the same as it being unchangeable and I think that's what you were saying is like, this is something you can change. You can do it. It's going to require some effort, it's going to require some reprogramming of your brain because you rode that path so many times, it's like when you go into a dirt road and there's like the ruts in the road because that's where like the cars have gone. Like, that's where you're at, doesn't mean you can't get out of that rut, but it is a rut. It's like you got to get up over the rut to be able to get onto a new, a new path of your thinking. Giving yourself a little bit of grace of like, it's been a long time. You can change this and at the same time giving yourself some grace that it is going to take some time and it's going to take some effort. But I can tell just like speaking to you, that you're willing to put in that time and effort right. Like what a beautiful like birthday wish to give to yourself. The desire is there and if the desire is there, we can get, you know, I can get you there. Like we can get you to work, we can get you there. Like I can't create desire in you, but you already have the desire, which is beautiful. I can work with that. The first thing that I think is really important to understand and dig a little bit deeper into we, you do this for a reason.  

Alicia 09:14 

Yeah.  

Amber B 09:15

OK. There is something that you get from speaking this way to yourself. Understanding that is going to be really important in helping you to let go of it. Do you have any sense as to why you do it?

Alicia 09:31 

You know what's interesting is Julie, is it Julia?  

Amber B 09:37 

Julia.  

Alicia 09:38 

Julia. She asked me that yesterday. She has that very same question, she said, Can you think of an experience or anything that triggered this? and I really can't. I said, you know, I'm going to really dig deep today and this was yesterday and see if I can maybe think of something. 

Amber B 10:02 

So there is a difference between something that triggered it in the past and a benefit that you're currently getting from it. Sometimes we can't identify and oftentimes like this is where therapy can come in, sometimes where it's like there's childhood experiences that we had that we decided that that's the way it needed to be and that's really that's powerful and beneficial because we can kind of isolate why you know why we started doing it in the first place and that's all that's separate from recognizing that you still continue, we don't do anything that doesn't have a benefit. Now, like a benefit to you now, even if it doesn't make sense even if you, it feels horrible, there's something you're still getting now, which is why you're still doing it. If there was no benefit, it would be very easy to let go. The fact that you're still doing it tells me that there is some benefit to you, which is why you keep doing it. And it can be hard to tease out like, I'm going to work with you on this because a lot of times we’re like, what are you talking about? There's no benefit, all I do is feel like, there's no benefit.  

Alicia 11:08 

Right. Exactly. 

Amber B 11:09 

But there is and this is where we can start to figure out what that benefit is. It gives us a lot of insight into how to let go of it. Recognizing you come by this honestly, let's figure out what like, what benefit it gives you so. Yes, it feels terrible. It doesn't like, we don't like it, right? It doesn't feel great. Like, it feels terrible. But if you take a step back, like, what is it when you do that to yourself? What are you trying to do? Like, there's likely, maybe even subconsciously, something behind it. 

Alicia 11:48 

There it, there is a part of me that cause I, I mean I have said to myself like what you were just saying a few minutes ago that it is such a habit.  

Amber B 11:55 

Yes, of course.  

Alicia 11:58 

It's such a habit that I thought, OK. I looked in the mirror and I'm like and I, so Jody Moore is my co, like I love where she says. I'm just going to say not today, Alicia. I'm not going to do this today, you know, and so then in mind, well I am doing it today, you know. And so I'm going to sit with myself and I'm just going to look in the mirror and say, yeah, you like, I do see that glob of fat, you know, that muffin top and yeah, I can see it. And my pants do feel tight and you're right, there is no benefit to it, but I don't know whether like, subconsciously I am feeling like, well, maybe by thinking that does make me feel like, I'm going to get to the lower weight, maybe that's what it is. 

Amber B 12:56 

Often it is a misplaced motivation.  

Alicia 12:59 

Yeah. 

Amber B 13:00 

It is a way that we think we are motivating ourselves to change. And so by like pointing it out and identifying it, it's misplaced, but it's this like, this subconscious thinks that if I point it out, if I shame it, if I make it bad, then I'll be more motivated to change it. And so understanding that there's a reason behind, like, there's a reason it may be misplaced. It may not actually work. And I think you're probably would tell anybody else like that doesn't actually work. I don't actually lose the weight faster when I like, sit there and hate all my fat rolls, but understanding yourself and recognizing ohh that's why, that's why I do it because on some level some part of me thinks that'll help me change faster. That'll help me get what I want faster.  

Alicia 13:55 

Totally. 

Amber B 13:56 

And that's really beneficial because again, you're holding on to this, because you asked me the question, how do I let go? 

Alicia 14:01 

Yeah. Yes, sleep tight. 

Amber B 14:05 

So, if we understand why the heck you're even still holding on, that can help us to figure out how to let go. Because when you start to recognize I'm holding on because I on some level, I think this is motivational. Or that I realize that it's actually not. It's actually the opposite that I'm actually demotivating myself. It actually feels terrible, which makes me not want to try, which makes me not want to work, which makes me not actually make progress. So while part of me thinks that this is motivational, it's actually doing the exact opposite. It becomes easier to let it go. Because you recognize, Ohh, it's actually not doing what I want it to do. And it starts to shift slowly. Again, there's a habitual part to this, but I'm sure you've been through module 3 where I talk about reprogramming your subconscious. And part of that process is recognizing that that first thought is very habitual. 

Alicia 15:01 

OK.

Amber B 15:02 

It’s going to come, she gonna show up? OK, show up. Everything from then on is stoppable. It’s like, we can put a stop to it. We can change the way that we're thinking at any, any one of those points. And so yeah, the habitual thought is going to come, but where the work happens, identifying, acknowledging that thought and shifting away from it. And that becomes the practice, that becomes the work, that becomes the thing that you get better at over time, is seeing it happen, acknowledging it and shifting. 

Alicia 15:43 

So, by, sorry, can we just pause you for one second? So, by just, so, I kind of maybe sort it out by saying that this, this, this displaced motivation. What did you call it?  

Amber B 16:02 

Displaced motivation. 

Alicia 16:03 

Displaced motivation, where I'm, where I'm not. Yeah, where it doesn't feel good. Where I'm like, passing by the mirror, like, I really do like this, you know, that does not feel good. That like I said I would never do to anybody else. That's so habitual and so ingrained in myself that, yeah, so maybe just recognizing that and just even speaking that out loud just this whole moment that so even just like recognizing that to be able to put a name on that is maybe the first step? 

Amber B 16:41 

That’s right. That's exactly the first step and the really important point of that is recognizing that it's not you.  

Alicia 16:46

OK. I love that.

Amber B 16:47 

This is in meditation and in like mindfulness. This is a separation between it's, they talk a lot about separation between you and your thoughts like you are not your thoughts, right? And I'm sure like Jody has talked about this, right, you are not your thoughts, you are the thinker of your thoughts. And so when a thought comes up there is a thinker that thinks the thoughts and you are in control of that, and so when you, when the thought comes up like, oh, look at that, look at that gross woman over there. 

Alicia 17:17 

Yeah. 

Amber B 17:18 

That's not you.  

Alicia 17:20 

Right.  

Amber B 17:20 

That's your thoughts. And you, as the thinker of your thoughts, can say that you can even dissociate, it's called dissociation, when you like, dissociate it from it like you separate it from yourself, you dissociate from it and recognize like, Oh, Karen said to be upstairs, like that's not upstairs, that's my inner critic, right. It's not me. It's my thoughts like there she is again. 

Alicia 17:42 

Right.  

Amber B 17:43 

She's like showing up again, but recognizing that because I am the thinker of my thoughts at any point, I can shift it and I can change it, and even just saying, Oh my gosh, there it is again. She's so silly. She thinks that like, by saying that it's going to be motivational like, I get it like so much compassion. So much love. Like you think this is gonna be motivational. But what I've actually learned is actually demotivational. Like it actually makes me worse, it makes things worse. It makes me not want to do the things, it actually doesn't work at all. And so now me as the thinker of my thoughts, I can actually start to shift away from that into a new, into something new. I can think something new and that's what I, that's what I'm saying is like, the work and the practice that you'll get better at, over time, is acknowledging, saying dissociating from of it and then intentionally shifting into something more powerful. Now a lot of times you'll hear people be like, OK, so, but now we need to shift into like, my body is amazing. And I love every inch of it.  

Alicia 18:40 

Yeah.  

Amber B 18:41 

And that can feel very, very challenging to make a big leap from like, ‘I hate my body’ to like, ‘I love everything about it!’ So, what I would encourage you to do is to have some ladder thoughts, that kind of move you in that direction, there's a great call with Amber Smith in the bonus in module 0. And we teach this concept of how can we ladder our thoughts towards beliefs that feel more believable and I encourage you to do something like that, so when you're starting to shift, it's not from I hate my body to I love my body. It's like I hate my body to there's my body, like a more of a neutral thought. I have a body. There's a really good podcast episode. I'm not going to be able to find the number. You can go look at it, but it's called “Just a body”. We have this hashtag in beyond MACROS 101, we had a Coaching Call where we have this hashtag called #justabody. 

Alicia 19:36 

OK.

Amber B 19:37 

I put that coaching call onto the podcast so you can go and listen to it, but I encourage you to go listen to that because we had this conversation about how can we move from, like hating our body to even just like a neutral, there's my body like, it's a body and I give in that podcast episode. I give an exercise that you can kind of work yourself up to being able to do so, I recommend going and get in and getting started on that. You're in a good spot, Alicia. Like, I know it feels like you're not. But you are in a good spot to make a change with this. And it's going to require work. Like I said, I can tell that you're willing to do that work. 

Alicia 20:21 

I am, badly. 

Amber B 20:23 

You're in a good spot to make that change and it will happen. It will happen slowly and but it will happen, and one of the things that I really recommend, do you have anybody who you're like, checking in with or doing an accountability group with or anything like that? 

Alicia 20:43 

No, but I have a dear friend in this group. I think she's on here right now. She’s one of my neighbors. So, I can definitely reach out to her. I think she’s on. 

Amber B 20:52 

Awesome. The reason I ask is because when we are creating a subtle change like this, it is very hard for our brain to see the change. And so having an outside perspective of somebody who can give you that perspective of seeing that shift in you before you even can see it in yourself can be very beneficial when we're talking about a mental shift, which is why having like a coach can be really beneficial, having some sort of outside perspective, that's not yourself. Don't be like, Alicia, like you've made so much progress. You know, like yes, I can. Like hear in your language. I can hear how you're talking about it like, you've made so much progress. It can just be helpful to have that outside perspective to be able to reaffirm that too, because we're really terrible at seeing our own progress. You think we're really terrible about seeing our own physical progress? We're real terrible about seeing our own mental progress. And so having some sort of outside entity that can provide that perspective for you can be really, really beneficial. 

Alicia 21:57 

OK, that sounds great. Thank you so, so much. This has been a huge help and I truly appreciate you going over your time. I am so grateful. And thank you so, so, so much. I am so grateful and so grateful that I signed up and that I took this leap of faith. It's been so huge and so helpful, so thank you., thank you. 

Amber B 22:17 

Well, thank you. It was a great conversation. You're amazing, Alicia. 

Alicia 22:20 

Thank you so much. 

Amber B 22:20 

Please, please keep me updated. I want to, I want an update. 

Alicia 22:22 

I will. I will. Thank you so much. Take care. 

Amber B 22:26 

You’re welcome. 

Alicia 22:27 

Thank you. Bye. 

Amber B 22:30 

I hope that coaching conversation was helpful. Like I said in the intro, negative self thoughts are something that a lot of people struggle with and it doesn't mean we have to get mad at ourselves. It doesn't mean we have to beat ourselves up, but understanding where they come from and how we can start to shift them is something that you can start to practice right now, and as you do it, it really can start to shift things for you and really change your life. I think that maybe it’s a bold statement., but I don't think it's too far from the truth. I think if we can be kinder to ourselves, we know that that will, that will change everything and you know, Alicia said it in the podcast episode, but we speak oftentimes, we speak to ourselves in ways that we would never speak to anybody else. And so learning to shift that and change that into a more motivating self talk really can change everything. So I hope you enjoyed it, this coaching conversation from MACROS 101. If you want to get on the wait list for MACROS 101, I highly recommend going to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist. That's bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist and you can get on the list for the next time that we open up doors to MACROS 101, where you can get your own individualized coaching on your fitness journey. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go on and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.  

Outro

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