102: [RANT] You Aren’t the Problem

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps after Babies radio episode number 102.

Hello and welcome to Biceps after Babies radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.

Here comes another rant  0:48

Hey, Hey, Hey, welcome back to another episode of biceps after babies radio. I'm your host Amber Brueseke and I'm so glad that you are here today. You already know by the title of this podcast that I am coming back and doing another rant. And I hopped on Instagram and let you guys know that I was getting ready to record this podcast and I had so many people who dm me and said that they love my rants. So this is actually the third rant that I have done on the podcast. So if you're wanting to go back and listen to the other two that I did, you can go to episode number 29, which is Macros and intuitive eating, and episode number 74, Macro counting isn't a diet. And those are my other two rant episodes. And this one will join. But this one is kind of funny because the way that it came about was we were actually in a weekly team meeting. So we have a team meeting every Monday with my team, and we get everybody set for the week and how you make assignments for what everyone's doing. And I don't even know how we got onto the subject but I started talking about the topic that I'm going to talk about and when I like to believe something and feel something very deeply I get very passionate about it. And so I spent like I don't know, five minutes like kind of ranting at my team about this topic and this concept. And after I was done, one of my team members was like, you need to record that as a podcast, you need to do another rant. So that is how this episode came to be. And I think it's true, this is something that I obviously feel very passionate about. And the things that I've shared passionate about, that I am passionate about, I want to share and I want to, you know, help you in your journey. And hopefully, by listening to this episode, it's gonna do that. That's because that's always my goal.

The power of goal setting 3:56

Okay, so we're just gonna dive into the topic at hand. And kind of talk to this, the title of the podcast. So the title of the podcast is “You Are Not The Problem”. And here is my beef. My beef is that so often women set goals, right? And maybe you're one of them. I love setting goals. I love dreaming big, I love reaching for things, I think the process of setting goals, the process that you go through as you work to achieve those goals, is transformative, it changes you, you have to become someone different to reach the goals that you set, the person that you are has produced the results that you have. So if you want new results, you have to actually become a new person. And so it's one of the reasons that I love goals and I love goal setting and I love teaching goal setting. In fact, if you haven't listened to episode number 92 where I talk about the biggest mistakes I see people making with goals. That is such an excellent episode if I do say so myself to listen to about goal setting because I believe In the power of goals, and what the problem is, is that a lot of women, they set goals, and they start to work towards them, they start to work to achieve them. And for whatever reason, they don't hit the goal, right? They fall short, they fail, they give up, they don't hit the goal.

When things fail, you blame yourself that you are the problem 5:17

And the problem is, as women, I think this is a very, maybe this is a generalized thing, but I see it a lot in women is that when something doesn't work, we tend to come back and blame ourselves. And what I want to talk about is women in general, and maybe this is you as well, believing that they are the problem. Believing that your body is broken, or that you just need to have more willpower or you just need to be more committed, or like taking the blame and putting it on you and believing that you are the problem and that you are the reason that you have not hit the goals that you have set.  Okay, so let's unpack this a little bit. Now. I said I see this a lot with women, I'm sure men, some men struggle with it as well. But in a generalized sense, I see it a lot with women, where we tend to internalize, right? If someone doesn't like us, then that means something's wrong about me. Right? Like, I need to change something. Or, you know, if we want a boy to like us, we're like, what do I need to do to make him like me? Like, how do I need to change myself to make him like me? Whereas I think a lot of guys, again, this is a generalization, I realize I'm stating in generalizations, and that's okay, we're gonna go with it. But many guys are better at being like, well, she doesn't like me. That's her loss. Or like, just recognizing that the fact that somebody doesn't like them or the fact that someone disagrees with them, that doesn't necessarily mean that they're the problem. Oftentimes, they'll point back and be like, well, you're the problem, right? Like you're the one who doesn't like me, that's your issue. So that kind of is just like a generalized way of being I guess for women. And I see it so often in the fitness goals.

Being at the same point blaming myself 7:05

And I recognize it because I've seen it in myself. Right so I, I'm right there with you. And, and I've talked about my story before and for years, for years, I exercised very regularly, I taught fitness classes, I would teach, you know, between five and seven classes a week. And it didn't matter. Like no matter how many extra like classes I would teach, I felt like nothing ever changed. Like I always just kind of looked the same. And when I wanted to think about changing my body or losing the baby weight after I had children, I went through the same pattern that many of you are familiar with. I went through the pattern of saying, Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to lose this weight. I'm ready to do it. And I would, you know, say okay, this week, it's going to be different. This week. I'm going to eat all the healthy food, right? I'm not going to eat any sugar. I'm not going to eat any dessert. I'm going to just eat all clean food right that's not that hard Amber you can do it and I would start the week that way and it never panned out over and over and over again the same pattern would emerge I you know started out super motivated super committed super determined that this time was going to be different, that this time I would have more willpower, that this time I would be able to say no to bad food, and then every like weekend, it would roll around as like Friday or Saturday or Sunday and I just couldn't do it anymore. Right? The Oreos were calling my name. The pizza that was at the house was calling my name like something was calling my name and I had spent the whole week white-knuckling it like holding fast exerting that willpower, exerting that motivation, exerting that determination. And eventually, it got to a breaking point. Not surprisingly, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And then I would eat whatever I wanted, right whether what it was the desire of my heart at the moment. Ice cream or cake, or whatever was there? And I immediately would feel the guilt and the shame because the problem was me, right? Like, why couldn't I just stick to it? Why couldn't I just suck it up and have more motivation? I kept coming back to this, like, the problem is me like, I just need to be better. I just need to stick to this. And if you've ever had thoughts like that, I hear you, right? Like I was there.

Realize that the problem is not you 9:29

And I just want you to recognize like, this is what we're going to talk about today. Because over and over and over, I would repeat this pattern. I would start on Monday, determination, willpower, commitment, this time was going to be different. And then it never was. And so all that reiterated to me, all that reinforced to me was that I was the problem because obviously like other people were able to do it. Other people were able to see results, other people were able to make this work and so then the problem must be me and I internalized it. And I see that so often with women. And eventually, I had this epiphany. And it was this epiphany that I want to give to you that I want you to recognize and leave this podcast understanding. Because when I recognize this, everything changed, everything changed. And I was actually able to break through and be able to see the results that I want. And what I ended up realizing was that the problem was not me. Okay, the problem wasn't me. The problem was that I was trying to fit me, the unique person that I am into some cookie-cutter standard diet. I was trying to fit a round, unique peg into this very square hole. And I kept trying to jam it in and I kept saying It's my fault. I should be able to get this round peg into the square hole. And as many times as I tried, I would fail. And then I mean if we can take this metaphor into like and make them into like actual humans, imagine if this round peg is like the problem is me I just need to become a square. I just need to fit into the square hole. Right? How silly that would be no round peg, you just need to go find a round hole. And this I had this realization that the problem wasn't me. But the problem was that I was trying to follow all of these diets that weren't created for me. The person who made up Atkin’s, they don't know me. They weren't like well, this will be really good for Amber like this will fit what she wants to achieve. This will fit the lifestyle she wants. This will fit her metabolism. This will fit her. No, no, someone came up with the Atkins diet. And they said this is a universal thing that's going to work for everybody. Right the same thing with whole 30 or insert diet here. It was something that was created by somebody else, not for you. And that is the problem. The problem isn't you. It isn't that you need more willpower, it isn't that that you need more motivation. It isn't that you need to try harder. That also Okay, can we take a pause in a moment? This is a rant, I guess. So I can take a pause whenever I want.

Misfit programs 12:20

The fact that so many fitness coaches, their solution to you not hitting your macros, or their solution to you not sticking to your plan are to just try harder is a losing solution. That does not work. And I'm sure you've experienced that, right? Like how many times have you just tried harder and then failed again? All that does is then reinforce the idea that you're the problem. I can't stand it when fitness coaches are like, you just need to try harder. You just need to stick better to your macros. Like that's, that's your problem. Because what it does is it puts the problem back on you. And that's not what a good coach does.

Good fitness coaching 13:08

A good coach doesn't blame you. If they don't shame you. They don't tell you that you're the problem. They work hand in hand with you to solve it. They work hand in hand with you to figure out why you're self-sabotaging. Because that's all it is. Is it self sabotage? Why are you self sabotaging? What is behind that? And how can you actually address the root cause of that self-sabotage instead of trying to address the symptoms, okay?

A glimpse of how do we do it in Macros 101 13:08

And so, a lot of the work that I do with my clients is digging down deep into what is actually causing you to self-sabotage. Because if we just sit here and we just say usually to try harder, you just need to be more committed my friend, you just need to stick to your macros. We're not actually solving the problem. It's like if you are wanting to get rid of the weeds, and your yard and you just went and you like pulled off all of the flowers, right? You picked out the dandelions you like went and pulled off all the dandy line heads, thinking that that was going to get rid of the problem. We both know that that's not the case those dandelions are going to come back. And that's the issue with self-sabotage is that if you're just treating the symptoms, if you're just trying harder if you're just trying to have more motivation and willpower, you're not actually addressing the underlying root cause.

You are not really the problem 14:26

And so I can't stand it when coaches put the blame back onto the client. Because you are not a problem. The fact that you haven't been able to stick to a diet isn't the problem. It's not a problem that you're not the problem because it wasn't created for you. And we're going to get into that a little bit deeper. And you're not the problem, because you maybe haven't been able to dig down and uncover what's causing you to self-sabotage and my friend that's normal, because it's really hard for us to see what is inside us. And that is why having somebody be able to be on the outside looking in is another reason why it's so incredibly valuable.

You are unique and there is a customized plan for you to work on 14:26

Okay, so if we've realized that the solution to you being able to move forward and hit your goals that you haven't been able to hit yet, isn't to fit yourself into somebody else's plan, somebody else's diet that you just have to white knuckle and try harder to hit, if that isn't the solution then what is? And the secret is that the women that you see that are successful, that are successful long term, are actually able to lose the weight and keep it off. The secret that they know is that their body is unique, that they have a unique lifestyle, a unique metabolism, unique medical conditions, unique everything. And they understand that just like unicorns, there is no one size fits all perfect plan, it does not exist. And that the only way to real and lasting change is with a tailored, customized plan. One that's customized to you, not to your friend, not to your sister, not to your mother, not to like all people in the world but to you. Okay? And once you understand this, it makes so much sense. Why would we be trying to take you the round peg and fit you into a square hole? Why don't we just go create a round hole? Isn't that going to be easier? Isn't it going to be more enjoyable? Isn't going to be more sustainable long term? And because of that, isn't it going to get you better results. So many women fall into the lie that the harder it is, the better it works. The more miserable you are, the more weight you're losing, the harder it is to stick to the better results you're going to see. My friend, that is a losing strategy. Because what happens when you aren't able to hold on anymore? What happens when you aren't able to white knuckle it through a party anymore? What happens when you get into a situation where everything's not perfect, you end up losing control, and you end up losing all of your progress. Trying to fit yourself into a plan that wasn't created for you, your body, and your goals is a losing strategy.

Start figuring out how to make a plan that’s going to help you 17:34

And so what can we do?  We can actually start to figure out how to make a plan that's going to help you. Yes, be successful. I want you to hit every single goal that you ever set. I want you to be able to reach for anything that you want in your life. But here's the piece that so many people don't understand. In order for something to be successful. It must also be enjoyable. And that's the piece that I find so many women giving up. They want their goals, they want their results, they want their goal weight so much, that they're willing to give up their lifestyle and the things that make them happy. Because they think that that's going to get them the results that they want. My friend, that is backward. If you ignore the things that are important to you, that make you happy in order to get the results that you want, you will never be able to maintain them. Because we are not willing to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. Most of us are not willing to be unhappy for the rest of our lives, just to be five pounds less on the scale, nor do I think we should be, and yet what happens when you start to actually enjoy the process. You don't have to exert willpower. You don't have to have motivation because you enjoy it. It's enjoyable to you, you like it, you like the way that you workout. You like the way that you've customized your plan to you. How much longer and better are you going to stick to that plan if you enjoy it? A ton more, right? And if you stick to it, and you're committed to it a ton more, because you enjoy it, how much better results you're going to have. So this idea that the more miserable you are, the better it's going to work. It's not true. The more miserable you are, the faster you're going to rebound. That's definitely true. The more miserable you are, the more likely you are to yo yo diet. Yeah, that's absolutely true. But the more you enjoy the process, the better results that you're going to see. And so I'm all about helping you to create a plan that is effective and enjoyable because it being enjoyable makes it effective.

3 important areas when customizing a plan 19:50

Now when I talk about creating a customized plan, there are three areas that are really important that if you can imagine like a Venn diagram with three circles and an area that overlaps In the middle, we're trying to find that sweet spot in the middle, that sweet spot for you and recognize that that sweet spot for you is not going to be the same as a sweet spot for somebody else. That is why we have to make sure that we are including the things that are important to you and to your plan. And so if you imagine these three circles in a Venn diagram shape, the things that I focus on with my clients are your body, your goals, and your lifestyle. And so we'll break those down just a little bit here.

Your body 20:27

With your body. You have a unique metabolism, right? You have a unique dieting history. You have unique issues with maybe hypothyroidism, or maybe PCOS. Or you know, you have a unique age, maybe you're 75 years old, or maybe you're 25 years old. You have these features that are unique to your body, and that need to make sure that it's included in your plan. One of the things that I always find funny if you've ever asked the question to a program creator or, I don't know, to a diet creator. If you've ever asked the question, Does this work for (fill in the blank)? Does this work for someone who has Hashimoto's? Does this work for somebody who has PCOS? Does this work for somebody who's over 40 years old? Does this work for somebody who likes whatever fills in the blank? You are trying to fit yourself into a diet plan. Okay, that is it. That is a red flag that you are fitting yourself into somebody else's plan. Because the truth is, if you have Hashimoto's, you should be creating a plan that fits you, which means it works for somebody who has Hashimoto's. And so if you've ever asked that question, that's a really big red flag that we're trying to fit yourself into somebody else's plan. And what I want to help you do is to be able to create your own plan. So if you have Hashimoto's, that means it's going to be a plan that works for Hashimoto's. If you are 63 years old, it's going to be for someone who is 63 years old, okay, your body is unique and your plan has to take into account your body.

Your goals  21:58

The second one is your goals. Now, most women, I'm trying to change this little bit, but most women, I would say have a goal of weight loss. And we can talk about other goals. Maybe you have a goal to build muscle, maybe you have a goal like a lot of women to lose weight and build muscle. Maybe you have a goal to look more toned. Maybe you have a goal to like to lift a certain amount, maybe you have a performance goal like you have a certain goal. And your plan must drive you to that goal. If it doesn't drive you to that goal, it is not effective. So we have to make sure that the plan is actually driving to the goal. And that takes into consideration the journey that you're going to need to take because I will tell you the journey for somebody who has 75 pounds to lose is different from the journey that the woman who has five pounds to lose is going to take. And the plan in order to make that happen is going to be unique to that goal. So the first ones are your body, your goals.

Your lifestyle 22:49

And then the third one and this is the piece that a lot of people leave off is your lifestyle. We all have things that make us happy or choices that we want to make in our life. Maybe you don't want to drink dairy, maybe you want to be a vegetarian, maybe you're like, I don't want to make two dinners. Maybe you're like, I only want to work out three days a week, right? I call these non-negotiables. These are things in your life that aren't negotiable, like, for a lot of moms that I talked to, one of their non-negotiables is like, I don't want to make two dinners. That's a non-negotiable for me, if I have to make two dinners, this is not going to work long term. And so you have to get clear on what your non-negotiables are, these are the things that make you happy that they're things that you aren't willing to give up in order to get the results that you want. And the problem is for a lot of women, initially, they're willing to give up a lot. Right? If you give me a six-pack, I'll give up a lot to get that six-pack. But we got to think beyond just the moment and we got to think, am I willing to do that forever, am I willing to work out six days a week, three hours a day forever?  And so that's when we get really clear on those non-negotiables we can bring that into creating your plan and so now we're looking at these three overlapping circles with your body, your lifestyle, and your goals. And in the middle is a plan that takes into account all of those. And again, because your body your goals, and your lifestyle are going to be unique, that sweet spot is going to be unique for you, and how much better results are you going to get if you stop trying to jam the round peg into a square hole and instead you just start to create a round hole? It's gonna fit so much better.

Key missing pieces why some kept them from their nutrition and workout goals 24:24

Okay, so I've talked a lot about this in terms of nutrition. And you know, a lot of what I do is what we do inside of Macros 101 is we focus on your nutrition, and I do that because, for a lot of women, that's the key missing piece. When I started my business, and I started talking to women and started coaching, I found that for a lot of women, it wasn't the workouts that kept them from their goals. It was eating. And so that's why I focus a lot on eating but I want to take a minute just here to talk about workouts as well because a lot of the things that I've talked about apply to workouts as well. And here's what I'm seeing. I'm seeing women who are doing workouts or purchasing workouts or following workouts that aren't actually effective. They aren't actually driving them any closer to the goal that they have. And this is why setting your goal is so important. It's really important to have to know why. Why are you working out because there's nothing wrong with working out to move your body to get some exercise to get your heart rate moving, to feel better like there's nothing wrong with that? If that is your goal, then working out and doing whatever you want is awesome, right? Like just do it. That's totally great. But if you are working out with a specific goal in mind, of something like body recomposition of something like building more muscle, of something like maximizing fat loss your workout plan must be created with that goal in mind.

Pre-made programs don't set the end result that you want. 26:07

And here's the problem. So many of the programs that you think are driving you to the result that you want aren't actually, they aren't actually created that way. The programming isn't actually set up to get the end result that you want. And I see this most with building muscle. If your goal is to build muscle and you want to add muscle to your frame, you want to get stronger. And your workout plan never does the same workout twice. It's not working. It's not effectively driving you towards building muscle. And I see this so often women think just because there are weights included in their exercise program, that means they must be it must help them to build muscle and it is not the case. Just because you lift some weights in your workouts doesn't mean it's actually optimized for building muscle. And so we have to understand what needs to be in a program in order to build muscle. How does that need to be structured? What do the reps and the sets and the programming need to look like in order to be effective? Because I see so many women and me, it makes me sad, paying for programs that they think are helping them to build muscle. But the program isn't actually set up effectively to do that. It isn't actually created to optimize for building muscle. And nothing irks my tears more than seeing women spend valuable time, spend your valuable time doing things that aren't actually moving you any closer to your goals. I can't handle it. It makes me so sad because your time is valuable. And I want to make sure that every moment that you're spending in the gym and every moment that you are spending, thinking about your nutrition is actually driving you towards the result that you want. And for a lot of women, it isn't. And I want to just grab them and shake them and knock some sense into them.

Be guided in my Build your workouts program 28:13

So if you are curious about how to build a program that's actually effective, I do have a program and I talk all about this, I teach you how to build an effective workout program that actually drives you towards the result that you want. It's called build your workouts. You can find it on my website, you can also find it at www.bicepsafterbabies.com/buildyourworkouts. And we'll also link it up in the show notes. But I just don't want women to continue spinning their wheels because I want the time that you spend in the gym to actually be effective for the goals that you want to reach.

Let’s wrap up 28:47

So let's bring this back around and kind of rein in the rant, rein in the passion, and just kind of summarize what we've talked about. So I started off with fact that a lot of you experience of maybe this finger-pointing where you believe that your body is broken, you believe that you are the problem, you believe that you just need to try harder, that if you just had more willpower and you were just a more committed individual, that you would be able to see the results that we want, that you want. And we threw that out. Because it's not true. If you are not the problem, the problem is not that you need more motivation or willpower. The problem is that you are a round peg trying to fit yourself into a square hole you are following programs that were never ever created with you in mind. And instead, how much more effective would you be in reaching your goal if you actually had a plan that overlaps those three things that I talked about your body, your goals, and your lifestyle? And if it was actually a plan that you enjoyed, how much more would you enjoy it and how much more effective would it be right? So if you enjoyed it, how much more effective would it be in the long run, and then we ended with talking about your workout plan and making sure that it's actually driving you toward the result that you want.

Plans need to be directed to our goal and  enjoyable as well 30:06

And let me just put a little plugin here too. If you're an untrained individual, and I and when I say untrained, it just means you're not somebody who has been specifically, like, training for something like and I don't, I'm trying to like, word this properly, not that you like or training for a marathon or triathlon, but rather that maybe you haven't lifted a lot of weights in the past that would be like an untrained individual. If you take an untrained individual and you put them into any program, any, any program, they're going to start seeing results, because they're untrained. And those that first like little bits, like it's super like literally you touch a dumbbell and like you're gonna start building muscle because you have like you are untrained, you're totally untrained. And the problem that a lot of people see is that they are untrained. They start a program they start seeing results and they're like, Oh, this must work. work. And then at some point, it stops. And that is because any program is going to build muscle with an untrained individual. But there comes a point and it's not very far down the road, where unless you have set up your program to actually optimize for growing muscle, it won't actually grow any more muscle and I can tell you that from experience, because I taught body pump for eight years, eight years, like two and three times a week I taught body pump. And I never grew any more muscle during that time, right like I at the beginning and I maybe grew a little bit of muscle, but my body never changed to that time. I wasn't able to put on significantly more weight on the bar. I didn't have bigger muscles like I didn't actually grow a lot of muscle even though I was consistent, even though I was motivated, even though I was showing up and even though I was putting in the hours and hours and hours and hours at the gym, but that is because the program is not created to help you build a lot of muscle. It's not optimized for muscle growth. Now, I love me some body pump. I'm a big fan of body pump, I love that it gets the barbell like it is a lot of it's good for a lot of women to start lifting barbells in a class atmosphere with lower weights and higher reps like I think it's a great transition. However, it is not set up to optimize for muscle growth, it just isn't. And so regardless of the fact that I'm spending tons of time lifting, right, like I'm lifting a barbell, I'm going to classes and teaching classes. I didn't actually like building an appreciable amount of muscle. And when I actually started lifting, effectively, optimizing for muscle growth, aligning my nutrition with that plan, I was floored at the amount of muscle that I built in six months. More muscle in six months than I had grown over the whole eight years doing body pump. And I use this as an example. Just to remind you that just because you're lifting doesn't mean you're actually building muscle. And that we have to make sure that our plans are actually driving us toward the result that we want. Again, it needs to be effective. And it needs to be enjoyable. Because the more enjoyable it is, the more effective it is long term. That wraps up this episode of biceps after babies radio. I'm Amber now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.

Outro

Hold up, sister friend. Do you love Biceps after Babies radio? If so, the best way to say thank you is to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review on iTunes. I know, every podcaster wants you to leave a review, but it's because those reviews help the podcast to reach more people. And I do truly want to know what you think. If this particular episode resonated with you, will you also please share it? Either send the link to someone who would find it valuable or take a screenshot and post it to your social media and tell your friends and family why they should listen. Make sure you tag me @biceps.after.babies so I can hear your feedback and give you a little love. And you know, if you aren't already following me on Instagram or Facebook, that's the perfect time to hit that follow button. Thank you for being here and listening to Biceps after Babies radio.

Outro

Hold up, sister friend. Do you love Biceps after Babies radio? If so, the best way to say thank you is to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review on iTunes. I know, every podcaster wants you to leave a review, but it's because those reviews help the podcast to reach more people. And I do truly want to know what you think. If this particular episode resonated with you, will you also please share it? Either send the link to someone who would find it valuable or take a screenshot and post it to your social media and tell your friends and family why they should listen. Make sure you tag me @biceps.after.babies so I can hear your feedback and give you a little love. And you know, if you aren't already following me on Instagram or Facebook, that's the perfect time to hit that follow button. Thank you for being here and listening to Biceps after Babies radio.