336: Evolving From People Pleaser To Standing Up For Herself with Sarah Allred [I Did It Series]

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 336.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and I have another “I Did It” series episode for you. And this one, my friends, is so good because we talk about something that is so prolific with the women that I coach and mentor inside of MACROS 101, and that is people pleasing. That is making yourself so that you don't have any needs, you don't have any wants, that all of your energy and time and attention goes into supporting, lifting, serving all the other people around you. And while that may sound like a very noble thing to do, oftentimes it leaves us empty and dry, not having anything else left to give.  

Because I know that you've heard the analogy of the pitcher of water, and when you just pour, pour, pour, pour the pitcher of water, eventually it's going to be empty if you're not consciously making sure that it's getting refilled. And I see so many women get caught in this cycle of serving everybody else around them to the point of exhaustion or to the point of not even knowing what it is that you need and or want in your life. And again, it comes from a good place, but it can lead to feeling really burnt out and feeling like you don't even know who you are as a person anymore. And so, our interviewer today, Sarah, is amazing and has had quite the transformation inside of MACROS 101 of really moving from being a people pleaser to really standing up for herself, finally realizing what it is that she needs and being able to communicate her needs to her partner, to her kids. And kind of spoiler alert, if you're somebody who is a people pleaser and you have not stood up for your needs or not asked for the things that you need for fear of how the people around you will respond, I hope that Sarah's story and her experience of how her kids have her experience of how her husband has responded will help to make that feel a little less scary because chances are the people who are around you, the people who love you are just waiting for you to let them know what you want. And that was really Sarah's experience. So, let's jump into this episode with Sarah Allred.  

Amber B 02:55 

I am so excited to welcome to the podcast, Sarah. Sarah, how you doing?  

Sarah Allred 03:01 

I'm good. Good. How are you?  

Amber B 03:04 

I'm doing excellent. And I'm very excited. We just found out, well, Sarah just found out, I found out yesterday, but just found out a couple of hours ago that Sarah was our transformation contest winner from our last round of MACROS 101. So, congratulations on that! 

Sarah Allred 03:18 

Thank you. Thank you very much. Super exciting. 

Amber B 03:20 

For those of you who don't know, when we go through MACROS 101 at the end, we allow people to be able to record their story and kind of talk about their transformation. And then we have the community vote on the biggest transformation and Sarah was our grand prize winner. So you are in for a treat to be able hear about her transformation and what she's learned along the way. But to start out with Sarah, because I think having a little bit of background sometimes helps us to understand each other a little bit better and kind of understand how we got to where we are as an adult. Will you kind of take us back to what was modeled for you as a kid, specifically around like health and nutrition and fitness? What were you taught as a child that, you know, kind of helped you get where you are today?  

Sarah Allred 04:03 

As a child, I was taught that home cooking is the best cooking. My mom always cooked a lot of things from scratch and we ate at home a lot. A lot of our meals were super carb heavy. And so I wouldn't say that they were necessarily macro balanced. We did not eat a lot of fruits and a lot of vegetables. And as far as exercise, my mom was a jazzercise instructor. 

Amber B 04:28 

No way? 

Sarah Allred 04:28 

As we were growing up. Yeah. Yeah. And so I remember her always being active and she would run. She liked to do like jogging. My siblings and I always rode our bikes around the neighborhood. And so we were pretty active. But I was always the chubby kid. I was the chubby sibling. I was the chubby cousin. And so as I get a little bit older. Um, it, it did kind of come down as less is better. And so just kind of watch what you eat. And if you eat less calories, then, um, you'll lose weight. And so I started counting calories in fifth or sixth grade when I lost a little bit of weight and kind of thinned out. Um, but it didn't last. I, I, I gained weight again and I was chubby through high school and college and even into my early married years.  

Amber B 05:25 

And how did that, like, how did that shape you or how did that experience? I have to imagine like some of that, like sunk into your identity of who you are as a person, but can you kind of speak to like what that experience has meant for you over, over the course of your life?  

Sarah Allred 05:40 

I think it really played into the belief that that's just who I was. I was, um, chubby kid. I was the chubby kid in high school. Um, I was chubby before I had kids. I was chubby after I had kids. 

Amber B 05:58 

Yeah. It's not going to change. It's who I am. 

Sarah Allred 05:59 

That's just not going to change, it’s who I am. That’s just who I am and that's something I can't overcome. 

Amber B 06:09 

Yeah. Okay. So talk to me a little bit about then what made you sign up for MACROS 101? Because I think, I think a lot of us have these beliefs about ourselves where it is like a big part of us believes it's not possible, but then you do, then you go up and sign up for a program, which also leads me to believe there is at least a small part of you that does think it might be possible, right? If it is a hundred percent of you didn't think it was possible, you wouldn't even be here. So there was at least a small percentage of you that was like, well, maybe, maybe, maybe this could work. Is that accurate?  

Sarah Allred 06:39 

That's accurate. So after, um, after I had my son, I, um, I was doing beach body workouts. And so I did lose a little bit of weight and then it just kind of stopped working for me. And so I actually found you in 2020 and started listening to your podcast way back then. And I did the five day, the free five day challenge. Um, I did not join at that time because I thought I, I learned enough and I could figure it out.  

Amber B 07:08 

You figured it out, yeah. 

Sarah Allred 07:09 

So I did, I went through a cut and I reversed and I maintained. Um, and so I was able to lose about 50 pounds and I was able to keep that off. 

Amber B 07:20 

Awesome.  

Sarah Allred 07:21 

Um, and then it was just this, this last year when my dad passed away and it was slowly creeping back on. And I just didn't know I was stuck. I didn't know how to continue to adjust, um, my macros to kind of correct, I guess you could say what was happening in my body. Um, I had tried another cut in this last summer and about two weeks in, I bailed. I was like, this is not working. This is, I was not in a mental, a good mental space for that. And I recognize that. So I jumped back to maintenance. Um, and then I just continued to gain over the winter. And I had heard you say lots and lots of times that, um, it's the mental work that, that a lot of people are missing. And so at that point I knew that's what I was missing. I knew the basics of counting macros. Um, but I knew I was missing that mental work. And so, um, I did the free five day challenge again. And then this time I joined.  

Amber B 08:28 

Nice. And what were you worried about anything in joining? Like, was there a part of you that was holding you back or feeling a little bit iffy about the process or you were, were you all in?  

Sarah Allred 08:38 

I was, I think my, the biggest thing I was worried about was that nothing would change and it wouldn't work. 

Amber B 08:45 

Sure.  

Sarah Allred 08:46 

That, that was my biggest fear. Um, I just didn't, I felt like I had tried so many things that I was worried it was going to be a waste of money. I was going to spend all this money and be right where I was at the end of it.  

Amber B 09:01 

Right. Yeah. Very, very common fear, right? Like we don't want to spend all this money and have it not do anything. So then let's talk about some of the moments that you had throughout the journey. Like I know you and I had a couple of conversations that, um, were kind of earth shattering for you, but I want to hear from you. Like, what were some of those moments that were defining moments for you that were aha moments that kind of changed the trajectory of your journey?  

Sarah Allred 09:24 

Well, there, there were a couple of points. Um, I had started when the program started, I kind of started through the workbook ahead of everybody because I already, I already had my macro set. I already kind of knew how to do that stuff. And so I kind of jumped ahead to all the mental modules. Um, and I was working through the self-sabotage and I was working through the modules and I was able to identify that I was an emotional eater that stemmed from my stress. I knew I was an emotional eater, but I hadn't identified that it came from my stress level. And so I, that was big for me. I recognize that, but I didn't know what to do with that. 

Amber B 10:06 

Yeah. 

Sarah Allred 10:07 

And so I did, I jumped on a hot seat with you and you shattered my world.  

Amber B 10:14 

In the best way possible,  

Sarah Allred 10:16 

In the best way possible, but I just felt like an onion and you just, you just kept peeling back the layers for me. And I felt like we finally got to the bottom of what was really causing all of my stress. And at that point I was able, well, I guess at that point I made a choice. I could either put the layers back and just carry on or I could start to try to address it. And, and I did. And I realized that, um, a lot of my stress is real because of my circumstances, but that didn't mean that I, that I had to stay there and be stuck and that I was helpless.  

Amber B 11:06 

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I do want to stress what you just said, because I think it is really important when we are confronted with a reality about ourselves, maybe something that for most, most of us, when we're confronted with a blind spot, right. Something that is a reality that we didn't current, we didn't see before and it's presented to us. We do have one of two options. You can kind of close that box, put away the mirror and just go on like you never saw that part of yourself. And you can just keep doing what you've been doing. And, and, you know, to be fair, like some people are not ready to make the change. And that's the easier way is just to put it in a box and keep going with the way I've been doing it. And it does take courage and strength to look at that. That's being presented to you, that blind spot that's being presented to you, be maybe surprised at it and then be willing to address it and willing to go through the sometimes painful process of addressing that aspect of yourself that maybe you didn't see before. And that's what I saw with you. And I think one of the reasons that the community really was inspired by you is you were willing to look at that part of yourself that you didn't really realize and address it and work through it. And that takes a lot of courage, which you demonstrated. 

Sarah Allred 12:19 

Thank you. You know what it did? It really did. When I go back and look at my hot seat, I can't believe half the things that I said and admitted, but yeah, it basically boiled down to, I didn't feel I was worthy and that really, it surprised me, but then it also kind of shook me to my core because I've grown up in the church and it just, it seemed to be the opposite of everything that I have grown up in. And so, but I did, I started to address it and I had to tell myself every morning, Sarah, you are worthy. You are worthy of the time and the money that you invest in yourself. I also would tell myself that everything that I need, I have within me. And I finally felt like something just clicked. And I was finally able to see that the chaos around me, that I was causing it and that I was the only one who could fix it. And so I did, I committed to that and it, you know, it hasn't been perfect, but I feel like I have found my voice for myself and I've been able to make changes and to, to, to stand up for myself and to say, Hey, this is what I need. And it felt really selfish and not like anything I've ever done for myself. I'm a huge people pleaser. And so I always just push through and I finally was able to stop and ask myself, what does Sarah need? What does Sarah need in this moment? What does Sarah need to show up for her kids? What do I need to show up for my husband? And I've taken the time to listen to myself and listen to my body of what my body needs.  

And the outcome of that has been amazing. My, my kids have never once been like, Oh, why are you taking the time out for yourself? We need you out here. You know, all the things that I thought would happen, haven't happened at all. And my, I'm just able to show up. I'm able to show up and be present. And, um, be present in a way that, that I want to be. 

Amber B 15:04 

Okay. I have some, I would love to like dissect this a little bit with you, because I know that there are people who are listening, who want to do the work, who want to address these things, but it seems really nebulous as to like, actually what that means when we say do the work, right? Like, what does that even mean? So the first question that I have for you, um, is cause we talked about, it's very easy to see something that maybe you don't love about yourself or see a blind spot and to just close that door and not go through it. And it takes courage to be able to address it. What allowed you to tap into that courage or what allowed you to address it versus just close the door? Are you present to how you made that decision or like how that became a tipping point for you that you were willing to do the work?  

Sarah Allred 15:50 

I think I was to the point where I was tired of being frustrated. I was frustrated every day, um, with myself, with my kids, with my circumstances. And I just lived in that constant state of frustration. 

Amber B 16:07 

Yes.  

Sarah Allred 16:18 

And so, um, a couple of days after our hot seat, I had kind of had this aha that I was trying to do all these things. And we had talked about this. I was trying to do it all and be at all to prove my worth and that I was, that I was worthy and, and that the things I could accomplish, um, made me worthy. And so when I was able to realize that in the process of that, I call them my little people. I was leaving my little people behind and I was trying so hard to get to the top of the mountain that I had left my little people behind and I had stepped on them to climb the mountain. And, um, and so I, I remember that day and I just made the decision. It's time to go back and get my little people and it's time to slow down and, and really ask myself every day, what's important, what's important to me, what is important for my kids? Um, what do I, what aligns with my values, you know, and I've been able to kind of shove things off like that doesn't align with my values. It's not important today. And so I've been able to just push it aside and not feel in this constant state of overwhelm and frustration.  

Amber B 17:37 

So good. Yeah. I think we talk about this in MACROS 101 that their change is painful, right? And it's one of the reasons that we don't change so often is because there is pain and fear associated with change. Our brain doesn't like that, but when the pain of change or the fear of change is less than, I think this is what you're saying is less than the pain that you're currently feeling staying the same, then it becomes a no brainer for you of like, I'm in, I'm in the discomfort I am currently feeling. I, I got to get out of it. And yes, it's going to be uncomfortable to change, but that discomfort is less than the discomfort I'm currently feeling. And when you get into that place, then it becomes, it's like, well, change is the only option. And I think that's kind of what you're saying is you got to that point where it's like, I got to go back and get my little people. Like I, like it's, I can't stay where I'm at right now. I've left them behind. We've got them. It's going to be hard. I've got to, I'm going to have to go traverse some, some mountain to go get them. But that's, that's the better heart is to go get them than to stay the same, which is so beautiful.  

You mentioned affirmations. Is there anything else that you specifically did that helped with the shift that you were able to create?  

Sarah Allred 18:55 

I had to commit to messy action every day. And that was really hard because I can be a perfectionist. And so I don't like anything messy. I want to plan. I want to know what the roadmap is. So committing to messy action every day threw me completely out of my comfort zone. I didn't like it, but it ultimately was the one thing that actually moved me towards becoming who I wanted to be.  

Amber B 19:35 

And what's first, if someone is like, what does that mean? Like, what does messy action mean? What would you say to them? Like, what does that look like for you?  

Sarah Allred 19:43 

I would say, well, I think it kind of depends, depends on the person, but I would try and focus on, on one thing each day. So if it was, you know what, here's what, here's what my schedule is for the day. And so I would look at my schedule and say, okay, I can't focus on my steps today because I'm in therapies all day with my daughter. Like that's just, that's just not going to happen. So what could I do instead? And so, so it just looks different. I also had to, a big part of messy action was standing, standing up for myself. Um, and that was really scary and not that I don't know why, because my husband and I have a fabulous marriage, but I never told him what I really needed. I was always the supportive wife and whatever I I'm home base. I will make it happen. I will get it done. And I was to a point where that wasn't working for me. So, um, I just, I found my voice with him and I, we were able to have some, some conversations about his job. And I was in the, in the past, it's always been whatever you need. You, you go after your dreams, you chase what you want. I'm here. I support you.  

Amber B 21:16 

Yeah. 

Sarah Allred 21:17 

And it wasn't that I, I don't support him anymore because I wholeheartedly do, but it, it changed in the sense of, Hey, I, I need you home in the evenings. I need you. I need you to be more present with the kids because I can't get all three kids to three different activities by myself, you know? And he, um, he actually had two job opportunities that had kind of come into play and he was kind of on the fence for them. And I have always told him just whatever you want to do is fine. Um, and one of them is in the fire. He's a, he's a Paramedic Lieutenant in the fire department and he's, um, a paramedic in the medevac unit in the army national guard. And so he had had an opportunity to move into the office and he wasn't really sure what he wanted to do. And so I finally told him, um, I want you to go to the office because I need you home in the evenings. And it was scary to say that. And afterwards it seems silly because he was like, no problem. I'll go to the office. Like, I just need you to tell me what you needed. And so he's gone to the office and it has been a huge stress release for me because he's home every night and he's, he's present to help me. Um, he had been offered a different job in the national guard so that he wouldn't be flying in helicopters anymore. And he was kind of going back and forth on it. And I was honest and I told him, I can't handle the stress of you flying anymore. There's been lots of helicopter crashes in the last two years. I said, I just, I need you to transfer. I need you to transfer to a unit that's non deployable and that's safer. And again, he was like, no problem. Like I just, I just needed to know what you needed from me. And so those things were really empowering for me to every day, whether it's family members, it's friends, it's like, I just can say, yeah, that'll work for me. Or no, but you know, that, that's not going to serve me or, or my kids today. And so we're not going to do that. And for me, that was huge because I never say no to anybody or anything. 

Amber B 23:37 

Yeah.  

Sarah Allred 23:38 

Um, and so I don't know, that was kind of a tangent on messy action.  

Amber B 23:42 

So good. No, it's so good because this idea of being a people pleaser is one that I think a lot of women can relate to of just like always saying yes, putting everybody else's needs before your own, having the response that the person expects you to have, right. Like trying to find whatever it is that the other person needs from you and becoming that for them. And you know, it comes it came from a good place for you. Right. It's like, it's great to want to support your husband. It's great to want to like hold down the fort so that he can go out and live his dreams. Like those are, those are great things, but when it goes too far and it comes at a cost of you sacrificing yourself, your needs, your wants, your desires, it goes too far. And so a lot of times that happens. And what you did was you woke up to that. You woke up to like, I, this has gone like a little too far. I don't even know what my needs are anymore. Nobody's like, nobody's even asking what my needs, I'm not even asking what my needs are. I don't know what my needs are. I love that your husband's response was, I just needed you to tell me what you needed. Like how powerful an experience when, because I have to imagine going into that, you even said this, you're like nervous about, oh my gosh, how's he going to respond? Is he going to think I'm super selfish? Is he going to think I don't love him? I'm not supportive of him anymore. And it's like, you were very clear on what you needed. And he was like, great. I just needed you to tell me what you needed. I have to imagine there was like a relief that came with that of like, oh, I can ask for what I need and it's okay. It's okay for me to need things.  

Sarah Allred 25:08 

It was such a relief. And I, I, I did, I felt all those things that you mentioned going in, like this is, this is not how wives are supposed to be

Amber B 25:19 

Right. Yeah. 

Sarah Allred 25:20 

This is how Christian wives are supposed to be. And, and he was, he was, he was like, thank you. It's been 15 years. I just need, I just need to know what you need. And so, yeah, it was, it was hard, but it was super empowering to be that, just kind of take that control back of, no, like I matter too, my needs matter. And that has, that can just kind of trickle down to everybody. You know, I, I had had, um, the thoughts at one point too, with my kids of my girls are watching me and they are watching me run myself into the ground, trying to do everything and make sure everybody has everything they need. And my son is watching me do that also. And I just had this aha moment of, I don't want that. I don't want my girls to grow up and think this is what's expected of them. And this is what they need to do. And I don't want my son to grow up and have those expectations of his future wife of, well, what's your problem? Like you're just, you're just supposed to cater to me. You know? And, and so messy action with them. I've been able to tell them, Hey, you know what mama needs a few minutes. I'm going to go eat lunch in the bedroom. I will be back with you guys when you're done eating lunch and we'll continue school, you know, just little things like that. And, and they've started to pick up and they'll say, I think I need a minute. Like, that's fine. Go take a minute. Go, go calm down in your room. Go, go outside, get some fresh air, go take a walk around the block, you know? And so it's been, it's just been empowering to find those little, tiny changes every day. And they're just, they're trickling down to my kids and to my husband. And it's just been really good. 

Amber B 27:15 

Yeah. Well, even just that realization that you had, Sarah, like so much of what we want to pass down to our children is not what we say, but just how we interact with them and what we model for them and having this realization of like, Oh my gosh, what am I modeling for my children to like have everybody's needs above their own? Like, is that really what I want to be modeling for them? Like, and it came from a good place. Like, and this is, this is what I think is always like the irony is like, it came from this good place of wanting to be this good wife of wanting to be this supportive person of wanting to care for other people. Like that's a good desire, but when it gets implemented overboard, now it becomes you being like you not having needs or you not having being a full person, you like just catering to the needs of everybody else. And your kids see that. And what a beautiful experience for you to be able to see, have them see you shift, have them see you care for yourself, have them see you take time away and how you're now noticing them doing the same thing. And because you don't have to teach them that they just see it. They see you do it and they learn it that way. It's so good. So good.  

Sarah Allred 28:21 

And even with the, with the, the coaching calls in MACROS 101, part of going into it, I was like, Oh my gosh, like, how am I going to attend all these calls?  

Amber B 28:30 

Yeah.  

Sarah Allred 28:31 

What am I going to do with, with my kids? And they were great. They're like, Oh mama, do you have a call tonight? And they would continue on with their schoolwork and I would come to the bedroom and participate in the calls and, and there, they just respected that. And they were fine with that. And they, um, they never once were upset that I was unavailable to them. 

Amber B 28:57 

Yeah. That's really good. So if you, I mean, there's a woman who's listening to this, who is resonating so hard with what you're saying, who identifies as that people pleaser identifies of like pouring out her cup for everybody else. Doesn't really even know maybe what she wants and or needs because she spent so much of her life feeling everybody else's cups up. If you could sit down with that woman and, and give her a piece of advice, what would it be?  

Sarah Allred 29:25 

I think that one piece of advice, I think, I think it would be the messy action. I think my advice would be to take the messy action because you're the stars are never going to align where your nutrition can be perfect. Your workout plan can be perfect. Your day is going to go perfect, but instead you just have to make those little choices every day to try and prioritize yourself so that you in turn can show up for the people in your life as a better version of yourself.  

Amber B 30:06 

Yeah. So good. And I think that's what you realized too, was like, when you take care of yourself and your needs are met, you're actually a better mom. You're actually able to serve your kids better. 

Sarah Allred 30:17 

I am. I am. I feel like I have regained my joy in motherhood. I know I didn't mention this earlier, but I homeschool my three kids. So, I'm with them all the time and my oldest has special needs. And so when I started MACROS 101, I was frustrated. But I was, I was not showing up specific for all three of my kids, but specifically my oldest daughter with special needs. I was not showing up from her for her in a place that I wanted to. And now that I take the time each day to kind of fill my cup, give myself what, what I need. I see myself every day being able to show up for her and I, I can work with her and I have that patience and that kindness. And it comes from a good place in my heart, as opposed to just, Oh, I have to hurry up and do this and check this off my list. And instead I'm able, I'm able to be the mama to her that, that I want to be. And that I just wasn't able to be.  

Amber B 31:31 

Oh, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. So good, Sarah, thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for sharing your story. Thanks for opening your heart.  

Sarah Allred 31:39 

Thanks for having me. 

Amber B 31:40 

And I mean, so many good things that you said that are going to help, help women who are going through a very similar thing. So thanks for your time.  

Sarah Allred 31:47 

Thank you. 

Amber B 31:49 

If you identify as a people pleaser, I hope that you were able to take something away from that episode. It's, you know, Sarah's emphasis on messy action is something we talk a lot about inside of MACROS 101 of, like, what, how can we just take messy action? How can we get away from this idea that it has to be perfect? How can we get some forward momentum, some forward progress? And I love that that was kind of one of the things that she really reiterated over and over in the episode that was such a game changer for her, because it can be a game changer for you as well.  

If you enjoyed this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio, make sure to rate and review it on whatever podcast platform you're listening on. That really helps me grow the podcast. It helps other people be able to find the podcast and helps it to get into the earbuds of the right type of listener. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything. 

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