301: “My Effort Will Never Be Enough”: Resignation Vs Acceptance | Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 301.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and every once in a while I like to bring a Coaching Conversation that I have inside of my coaching program, so many of you know that our signature coaching program is called MACROS 101 and if you want to get on the wait list for it, I highly recommend doing that so that you're first in line when we open doors. You can do that by going to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist. But we run MACROS 101 and that is an 8-week program. And then after MACROS 101, there is an opportunity to continue to have continued coaching as long as you want it and or need it. Some people like to stay with us for a really long time. Some people you know just need a couple months and some people don't need it at all, but we have an opportunity because I know that there's often a lot of things that we need to work on beyond the eight weeks inside of our BAB Coaching Community, and that's what we do. And so we do coaching calls there, we do written coaching and it's really fun because I get to see people at various stages of their journey and various and see them progress over time, especially the clients that stick with me for you know a period of time, like a longer period of time. I really get to see their progression. I get to see their AHAs. They get to see really how they build on their knowledge and their transformation over time and that's really exciting.  

And so and our last coaching call, we had a fantastic question. Kimberly asked a fantastic question. And I thought man, this would be such a good call to bring on and put on the podcast because I think sometimes it's, we get lost in like the theoretical. We get lost in talking about the ethereal and concepts and things like that. And what can really help to ground it is actual, you know, people's experiences and so a lot of things that we're doing with coaching is we're taking concepts and we're applying it to you, right. A good example would be I can teach the concept of reverse dieting. I can teach the steps, I can teach the 1-2-3s, I can teach here, do this, do this, do that. I can teach that those are the concepts. But it is the application of that concept that gets tricky because we're all a little bit different and we all live different lives and we all have to apply that content a little bit you know, it's a little nuanced. And that's where coaching can really come in and be super helpful. And so the question that came really came on to the call and ask was this question of feeling like it will never be enough. And man, if I think all of us have at one point or another, felt that way and we had a really good conversation about the difference between resignation and acceptance. And again, this is like a concept resignation and acceptance. That's a concept, but it is the application of that concept that can be really tricky for a lot of us to be able to figure that out.  

And so this conversation that I had with Kimberly is a really good example of applying those concepts to a certain situation and being able to work through it with a client. So if you have ever had that feeling of like I'm putting in all the work, I'm not getting the results that I want. My effort will never be enough, right? I kind of like on that like hamster wheel of just spinning, your spinning, your efforts and just wondering, like, what else there is that you can do to be able to get the results, then this coaching call is for you. And again if you want to get this type of coaching, I highly recommend getting on the wait list for MACROS 101. That's the only way to get into our coaching community. It's the only way to get coached by me and you can go to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist to be able to get on the MACROS 101 wait list when we open doors in the spring. All right let's roll the coaching call. 

Kimberly 04:39 

So, it feels like it's just never going to be enough and then I feel like that is a kind of an all or nothing thinking, but as I was, I was just stretching this morning and doing some yoga and that was the thought that popped in my head. It's never going to be enough. Like you can count. You can calculate, you can exercise, you can drink all the water. You can avoid the buffets. You can do all the things, but it's just never going to be enough. Which kind of feels a little similar to what now I was talking about, but it's like I need things to work in the background for me so I can focus on the things, other things that are really running through my mind. I need my body to do what I'm wanting it to do. And I know will it to do that. So I don't. I just I got on here because I was like when I hear Amber’s voice, it feels like coming home. Kind of sorry crying stuff. Because I haven't been on in a long time but. Yeah, it just it just, I know there's a lot of good things that I do that I do drink a lot of water. I do my body at least five days a week that I get in a lot of steps, that I work, I was trying to focus on my protein. I'm not calculating anything right now. I mean, I make sure that, hey, did I have some protein today? No, let's do a shake or let's add some Turkey, whatever it is. But it just always feels like I don't. I don't want to have to worry about it. I don't want to worry about my body. I want it to just be and I want to be happy with that, but I don't seem to be able to accept it, if that makes sense. 

Amber B 06:25 

Yeah, OK. Yeah, this is going to be, this is going to be great. Thanks for bringing this question, Kimberly. You said at the very beginning, it will never be enough. And I want to know what the “it” specifically is in that sentence. And then I want you to finish the sentence, It will never be enough for what? 

Kimberly 06:46 

The “it” is all the effort and the work that I put in.  

Amber B 06:51 

OK

Kimberly 06:51 

Program, the building my own workout and you know preparing foods or whatever, taking time to do stress or relax or whatever. And then what was that last part of your question? Sorry. 

Amber B 07:05 

It will never be enough for what? 

Kimberly 07:07 

It will never. Oh, it will never be enough to be where I reached the point where I no longer need to do all of those things. That all, all the effort I've put in is never going to be enough really could stop that effort, make sense? 

Amber B 07:27 

So it's almost like I'm running this race, but I'm going to have to run this race for the rest of my life. I'm never going to be able to stop the race.  

Kimberly 07:36 

Correct. 

Amber B 07:40 

You said something about like I want to get to the place where I accept it. Right. And you're feeling like it's a struggle. What is the “it” in that sentence? Accept what? your body, the journey? 

Kimberly 07:58 

That I accept that the effort that I put in, and obviously what I'm doing is the results that I'm getting. And so that I accept the results that I'm getting from what I already the efforts that I put forward so. And a lot of it does have to do with the shape of my body, you know like I feel like this effort deserves this reward, but I want to get to the point where it's like, well, OK, if you're doing AB and C and you're getting XY and Z, then that's what ABC equals, you know, so you can't be in expect, E-F-G, if you're not doing whatever that needs to equal. But if to get that result is too much right now or ever has been, then how do I accept this is it. 

Amber B 08:44 

Yes, OK. I mean this is so good and I, one of the things that I really want to be clear about. I mean it makes total sense of like. And there's so many people I'm here sure on this call who can relate of like, wouldn't it just be so nice if it was an equation where it was like you put in A-B-C and every single time you get out E-F-G like that's just how it works and you just knew it was that linear and it was that exact and it was that like and then it was the same for everybody. I think that becomes a really challenging experience as well for a lot of us as like I'm putting in the same A-B-C effort that, you know, Julie down the street is and she's getting E-F-G and I'm getting X-Y-Z and like we're putting in the same amount of effort and then getting vastly different results. And  I think that that's really hard. It is, it's unfair, it's hard. And that comparison can really start to sneak in. What I where I don't want you to go, Kimberly with this and where I think it's very easy to go with this is into a blaming mode and like almost like a self-deprecation mode of like. Well, if I'm only willing to put in ABC and that gets me EFG, well then like I either need to suck it up and be willing to give more or I just have to accept where I'm at and I think it's a fine line. I can think you can very easily go into that well, I just you know, this is just it and I just kind of suck and I've if I'm not willing to give it more effort, who am I to say that I should be able to get more results. I'm not. I'm not saying sensing that that's quite the case for you here. But I just want to highlight that because it's very easy in the space that you're in right now to move to that place of like it's like a self-blame place that I don't want you to move into.  

And look, there is a reality in this. Like there's a reality in this situation that just needs to be made very clear that again everybody's body is different. Everybody's genetics are different, and it is not fair that ABC gives one person one result and ABC gives you a completely different result. It's not fair. That's I wish it wasn't the case and so we can highlight that we can say that it's not fair and then we can come back to our own race and figure out how we're going to run that race in a way that feels incongruent and feels an integrity. And it feels uplifting and beneficial for you in your life, where I think we go too far sometimes in the health and fitness world is we talk about health and we talk about fitness and we talk about feeling good and it's like the path that we force people to walk, to get to that end result is like they hate it. It's terrible. And we're like, we try to go through, like, the worst things that we force ourselves to do with just this like promise that someday you'll be able to get to this like promised land with your body and I think it's really disingenuous and I think it is. It screws a lot of people up along the way of like this thing is so great, go through all this misery to get there. And I think that's a terrible way to go about it, so I think what I'm hearing you saying you can kind of fill in the gaps for me, Kimberly is that you're saying, I've started to become really clear with what I'm willing the effort and the time that I'm willing to put into this process, and I can see how that the results I get, I can see how that impacts my life and I'm trying to get to the place of acceptance between those two things is that gap that I have there. 

Kimberly 12:33 

No, that's, I mean. It's kind of what Natalie was saying, it's like I have 4 kids I can't just stop taking care of them, I want them to live, too. So I do take that responsibilities. It's like if those stressors are always going to be there, you're always going to love them and worry about them and care for them. You know, how do I? How do I learn how to kind of what you're saying like, if this is my limit because I have these other things that I'm doing that are also extremely important. Where does that? Hey, it's OK that you don't have the whether your goal is at the size 10 body of the 150 grams and the muscles are popping in you can, you know, throw on this size meeting whatever your goal was like. How do I just say, hey, this is where I’m at, and if that's OK, but. And I hear you talk about it all the time to be OK, where you're at, but still have goals and I know that, but the brain and the heart are not talking together.  

Amber B 13:39 

What feels like, what do you think would happen if you did accept the results or you did make peace with like where you're currently at? What do you think would happen? 

Kimberly 13:57 

I mean I feel like my brain would be freed up. There would be space to focus on other ways to help my children. Or help other people perhaps learn something new because I feel like a lot of my brain power goes towards when you can't have that. Well, you can have one of those or no. Now you need to do this and make sure you get into your steps or you close your brains or whatever. So I feel like there's a lot of brain power that goes into that and I feel like if it didn't, wasn't there bothering me or constantly running through that I could be more effective. I could be a happier version of myself, not just every once in a while I'm happy, but like. I don't know. Just having that positive perspective, a lot more consistently, not to say it couldn't have bad days. I know I can hear all of your coaching and all of your modules going through my head all the time, but I'm like I just feel like I don't have the power to say OK. This is it. Like you've had more kids. That's where your body is going to look and she's had six kids and she looks better. And why does it matter what my body looks like? And so I go back and forth that kind of stuff. 

Amber B 15:14 

Yeah, yeah. So I think. I mean, there's a couple of really great thoughts in here that I want to make sure we hit on. I want to go back to this idea of the difference between resignation and acceptance, because I think that's a really important distinction that you're kind of making there that I want to hit on. But before I do that, I asked you, what do you think happen if you accepted the results and you gave me some like really amazing, awesome things if it was only really awesome and amazing you would have already made that leap, right? Right, if it really only is like an amazing place where your brain is freed up and you're happier and it's all like rainbows and roses you have already made the shift. So if we look at the dark side of that or the fear that's associated with it. That has prevented you from accepting the results. Can you kind of speak to what that sounds like to you? 

Kimberly 16:13 

It feels like throwing in the towel that you know just, except I know that again that I hear what I'm saying, but it's not what I'm feeling. Like, you know, like I know that if I don't think about it, if I freed it, that space, that doesn't mean I'm going to blow it up at the cow, but that's what I think is like if I didn't put the effort in. Be this, be that, you know. 

Amber B 16:44

OK. Yeah, yeah. So if I'm, if I'm putting in ABC effort and it's giving me XYZ results, then if I stop putting in a YZ ABC, I'm just going to like everything right? It's like I'm only just. I'm just barely holding on with, like, these results that I don't really love, but at least I have like a little bit of results that if I let go of that entirely and then we're just going to lose everything. I found like right where that goes, OK. Good. And so then it really it? It the reason I asked that is because everything that we do makes sense. And so starting to understand how it makes sense or what it sounds like in our brain or what the sense the reality or the rationale that we're going through in our brain is really valuable and important because it makes total sense if you, if it would free your brain up make you happier version, but the dark side of it is that you're going to throw in the towel. And you're just going to blow up and like you're going to gain all this weight, it makes sense why you haven't allowed yourself to go to that place of acceptance. OK, so we can have some compassion for you and understand. Like, yeah, that makes sense. I get it. And I do want to have this conversation about the difference between resignation and acceptance. So if I say that to you, Kimberly and I just, we're just talking in like an English vocabulary. What do you see as the difference between resignation and acceptance?

Kimberly 18:10 

Resignation means like there is no effort in my brain. 

Amber B 18:16 

Yeah. OK.  

Kimberly 18:16 

Acceptance is I know that it's there. But I don't want it bother me, you know. 

Amber B 18:25 

OK.

Kimberly 18:28 

It doesn't necessarily like it, but I know that it's like I accept that there's traffic on the highway, but you know I'm not going, I'm not going to start plowing through all the cars because I need to get some, I just I have to. 

Amber B 18:43 

Fantastic. I think using that as a metaphor is a really good one to kind of look at the difference between these. So if you're sitting in traffic acceptance looks like what or sounds like what in your head? 

Kimberly 18:57 

I just got to take my time, sit there and wait till it's my turn. 

Amber B 19:01 

Yeah, it is what it is. I can't change it right like. Right. Like maybe next time I could have, I could take a different route. Or maybe I, you know, maybe I could take this exit and I could get a little faster. But like to some extent it just is like being OK with what, how it is, and again it may be kind of silly, but play along with me if you were going to, if you were going to have resignation in that moment. What would that look like? 

Kimberly 19:28 

And I just turned my car off and get out and start walking, I guess. Just abandon my car. 

Amber B 19:35 

Yeah, we just like or even just, like, turn the car off and just like OK. We're like, we're not doing anything. We're not going anywhere. We're just going to be here for the rest of our lives, right? Like that's kind of like resignation and so if we take that kind of silly metaphor and we kind of apply it over to your journey and we try to contrast the two. Because I think Brene Brown has this concept that I really love and she calls it near enemies where things that kind of on the surface we would say are similar are actually drastically different and they're hard to distinguish between because they do have so many similarities and they seem very similar. And I see like resignation and acceptance as kind of like these near enemies as like they can look kind of the same on the outside, but on the inside they are very, very different. So if we took this example and we put it over into your journey, what could it look like? What could resignation look like versus what could acceptance look like? 

Kimberly 20:41 

Resignation would be like I don't even go to the gym or move my body. Really all that at all, I wouldn't, it would be like not thinking about the things to think about. But in a. I don't even care about the results either. Whereas, acceptance could be I don't care about the results, so I keep going but I'm not mad or happy about what the results are, does it make sense? 

Amber B 21:10 

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's really beautiful. I think what I hear in there. And what I kind of want to highlight and pull out a little bit is. And I talked about the very beginning of this call of like one of the goals is for is embodiment. One of the goals that I have for all of you is embodiment. It stops becoming these things that we're talking about. Stop becoming things that you do and start becoming who you are, right. I don't go to the gym simply because I want the results like or have a certain thing that I'm trying to hit. Like I go to the gym because it's like who I am, like I that's just who I am, I gym. It's just the person I am and it starts stops becoming effortful right there. Of course there's effort involved, but it starts becoming about the doing and it starts becoming about who I am as a person. And so I wonder what that process because you've done a lot of work, Kimberly, like I know you like you've done a lot of work along this process and you've integrated a lot of things, but I think this is like kind of that last integration of these are the things that I do to take care of myself and I release any attachment to what they cause on the backside. It's like I'm going to drink water every day. That's just what who I am and I'm not so attached to the result that that creates on the back end, like whether or not it causes me to lose weight, whether or not it causes me to get skinnier or anything. Like that, it's like I work out, because that's who I am and I let go of that attachment of it having to cause any type of result. And to me, that's the difference between resignation. I think you really beautifully interpreted that, it's like. I'm not the resignation is. I'm not thinking about it. I'm not. I just, like, put it on my mind. And I just like don't care versus an acceptance is like this is just who I am. I'm going to keep doing these things and it's a releasement of any attachment to the outcome that it creates. 

Kimberly 23:18 

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I mean there are things in my life that are like that. Like drinking water, that really is just too right, you know, like that. And that was something I did when I was in high school. That was a decision I made. And then. It's you know like it didn't bother me exercising, moving my body doesn't bother me, you know like I think that there is still an expectation that I have. That I want from it. 

Amber B 23:45 

Yeah, that. That's it. 

Kimberly 23:47 

That I need to. Yeah, and that's struggled with is like you know, I still. I'm even if that there was that, you know, like if you put in the exercise and there still was never ever a promise of your body would change at all or if you eat all those certain foods this amount there's you know it's like I would still do some of those things because I feel good or I enjoy because it's different or it's even my body or whatever it is. There are things that I would still do, but I the problem is like I have still attached an expectation to even if it does make me feel good, it's there's still an expectation attached to it. 

Amber B 24:25 

A good question that you can kind of play around with. Because I think you've landed on exactly the crux of the issue is like we still have an expectation attached to some of these things that we're doing and if we can start to let go of that expectation, it's going to allow you to step into that place of acceptance much more easily. In order to break some of those expectations, we have to figure out what they are first. And oftentimes these expectations hide or they're something we're not consciously aware of. It's a subconscious expectation that rationally we haven't thought through but subconsciously is still something we're running on. And so a really good question that you can start to ask yourself is, what is my expectation? So you know, for example, you can take. I mean, you can take any habit or anything that you're doing like tracking. Let's just take tracking as an example. We can ask the question, OK, I'm tracking, what is my expectation with tracking? And asking yourself that question and see what comes up, because oftentimes it's like, well, I'm tracking only because I want to lose weight. I'm tracking my expectation is if I track, I will then lose weight. If I track my measurements will go down like that's my expectation. I put in A and I get B. That's the expectation and then we can take a step back and really look at that expectation is that s good expectation is that helping you? If you didn't have that expectation. If there was no expectation that tracking would lead to some result. Would you still track? How? What could that, how could that look differently? And I think where you may be struggling is you're holding on to some of these things. Because they provided some value for you. But there is still that expectation and maybe letting go of some of those things and maybe tracking is one of them. But if we let go of tracking, it doesn't mean that we have to not pay attention at all to what we eat. Do you know what I mean? Like. This is where I talk about like this is where the near enemy comes in. Because it's very easy to say I'm not going to track because there's an acceptance that's coming with that, but that's not the same as resignation. If I'm not going to care at all. Right. So there's an intermediary in between those. But that question of like what is my expectation with this may provide a lot of insight that you may not currently have about some of the things that you're still doing that you may have resentment about. Because there's an expectation attached to them, an unmet expectation. Resentment happens when there is an unmet expectation. 

Kimberly 26:55 

That's good. 

Amber B 26:58 

So where are we at like, talk to me a little bit about what you're hearing, what you're processing right now? 

Kimberly 27:11 

I, well, tracking is one of the things that I do have an expectation that if I'm doing it then I expect the results of you know lower number on the scale, smaller measurements and I haven't been tracking for since January or something like that just because it it becomes that I expect movements and the downward. So I related to that like. OK, I'm not tracking, but am I just engorging myself at all times and never thinking about what I eat. No, I have been conscious of what I eat like, sure, I get some proteins in that. I've got some that you know, like I'm paying more attention of how does this make me feel when I eat it? Like, did I feel good afterwards? Did I just eat too much? You know, whatever did it give you a stomachache or heartburn, whatever it is. And that's kind of been my judgement skill. And so when I think about all the other things it's like. Well, if I stopped exercising, I would. I don't think I'd be able to stop exercising because it's just part of who I am, I would do something. I walk. I do yoga like I like moving my body in general. So it's learning just to say, OK, if we moved our body and nothing else has changed, that's. OK. We move our body. Have some time to ourselves. Listen to our book, whatever it was. But I see what you're saying. I'm going to think about the things where I have expectations. That I feel are not being met. And be able to say, well, if I stopped doing that, I know the world's not going to stop. But you know about that and. 

Amber B 29:00 

Yeah, I think that that I mean I think that question of like OK if you identify something that you have an unmet expectation and it's like OK, I am ready to let that go. The question that becomes what is, what would be the difference between if I was just resigning this thing or if I was accepting it and playing that out in your mind because this fear that you have of like ballooning up and throwing in the towel that comes from if you choose the resignation in all of these. And what I'm saying is there's a Gray area between there like it doesn't have to be a resignation. It can be an acceptance and that may look that is going to look much more gentle as a shift from where you are now. It's not going to be such a complete 180 and it's going to prevent the fear that you have of just like losing control or blowing up or gaining all this weight. Because that comes from resignation. You're right, if you just burn it all down that that may happen, but we're not resigning, right? We're accepting and they're different and they're a different path. 

Kimberly 30:08 

Well, I think about before I got on here I was like I apply all the things that I've learned from MACROS 101, Beyond like. Like you know, I played the flute and so I am participating in concert and I don't play my flute all the time. But when I have to practice, I do and this concert has eight songs in it and I was like, well, OK, I can practice at least two songs a day, and if we've done two and it's too much. That's fine. But we did too. And so I was like, I look at it like I've replayed a lot of things that I've learned into the rest of my life. But the whole purpose of it was because I was trying to learn things about my body, my body. But I feel like it has affected a lot more things. Now. It's not to say than it has since changed that area, but like I it's like I know that I've learned things from you because sometimes I'm like, I haven't taken advantage of her of the things that she's giving and the opportunities to get better. And then I think well that you have. And so that I'm trying to find the positives in ways that I am improving because a lot of times all I see is like you haven't met the expectation, so you're obviously failing type of a deal, so I'm. But I see that I can. I'm not a Gray. I'm a black girl, white. And so I'm trying to work on finding that great and being OK with that so that I can feel the release that you know these in the extra brain space that I'm really wanting. 

Amber B 31:37 

Yes. Yeah, I think that is beautiful. That's really good. OK. Thanks for coming on. 

Kimberly 31:42 

Thank you. 

Amber B  31:45

A big thank you to Kimberly for allowing me to be able to use that coaching call. I think it was just such a great conversation about how we can get to this place of acceptance. I think acceptance is such a powerful word and I think most of us go to the idea of resignation when we think about the word acceptance, but when we really can get to that place, it is, it's incredibly powerful and if you've ever had that feeling of like, you'll never be enough, I can never put enough effort. You know, my results aren't matching the effort that I'm putting in. I hope that you found some value in this coaching conversation. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend you can do anything.  

Outro

Hey friend, have you heard the news? We have a Biceps After Babies Radio insider list. If you love Biceps After Babies Radio, you don't want to miss a thing head to bicepsafterbabies.com/insider to join the group. You'll be the first to know all things about the podcast. See some behind-the-scenes and get special messages from yours truly. We want to make this a special community for those who are fans of the podcast. And last, did this episode particularly resonate with you? If so, will you please share it? Either send the link to someone who would find it valuable, or take a screenshot and post it to your social media and tell your family and friends why they should listen. Make sure you tag me @bicepsafterbabies so I can hear feedback and give you a little love. And you know, if you aren't already following me on Instagram or Facebook, that's the perfect time to hit that follow button. Thank you for being here and listening to Biceps After Babies Radio.