220: Healing From An Eating Disorder with Aubryann DeMartino

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio episode number 220.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four. Each week, my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.

 

Amber B  0:47

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke. And today's podcast episode is a really, really important topic. And as I mentioned, you'll hear me talk about it in the podcast, I think that there can be a lot of shame around this topic. And that topic is eating disorders. And because there's a lot of shame sometimes people don't talk about this experience. And yet, eating disorders are very prolific and prevalent, especially in teenage girls. And I think the more that we can start to destigmatize and talk about this experience, the more that we're going to be able to bring it to light and to help people to be able to get the help that they need. 

 

Amber B  1:33

Something that I do want to make mention of as we roll into this episode, is something that Aubryann said at the very, very end of the episode. And I was thanking her for coming on and talking about eating disorders but she made a really important point and that is that the things that she's talking about, the things that the “aha” moment she had, the breakthroughs that she had, the things that she's learned from her journey, are applicable, well outside of just the eating disorder realm. So it can be easy to think as you look at the title and think, “Oh, well, I don't have any problems with an eating disorder. I don't know anybody who has an eating disorder maybe this podcast episode isn't for me.” And what I want to invite you to do is to listen from the paradigm of what else is there here to learn that is applicable to me and my journey. Because there is so much, Aubryann talks about so much that is applicable whether you have an eating disorder or whether you don't because, in the end, she talks about how really, this is all about peace. It's really all about healing, and about getting to a place of peace, and I think I don't care who you are feeling at peace, feeling healed, and the feeling whole is something that we all want. And that's really what Aubryann talks about in this podcast episode. 

 

Amber B  2:32

So I went back and forth with whether to make this a Friday episode of an “I Did It” Series but we ended up going a little bit longer in this episode and it's such a good topic. And there are so many good things that we talked about that I decided to make it a regular Tuesday episode because it is a little bit longer. And it is a little bit about Aubryann's story but the lessons and the takeaways that you're gonna be able to get from this podcast episode. I thought you know, this is a Tuesday episode. Let's put it on Tuesday. So I'm really excited for you to get to listen to Aubryann and she is wise beyond her years. And I'm just really excited for you to hear her story of healing. So let's hop into the episode. 

 

Amber B  3:34

All right, everybody. I am so excited, Aubryann to have you on the podcast, how are you doing?

 

Aubryann  3:40  

I'm good. Thank you so much.

 

Amber B  3:42  

I am really excited about you sharing your story, especially because you let me know ahead of time that this isn't something that you usually like to talk about, yourself. And so I'm even more grateful to you because I know that a lot of women listening to this are gonna find value and hear themselves in you and I think that's really special. So let's start out by just giving a little quick overview and a little bit of your story. 

 

Aubryann  4:08  

Perfect. So I mean, as we had talked about before, I don't like to talk about this story. But I was watching, you know, I think one of your free coaching Fridays, and you were talking to this really cute little gal. And I just wanted to give her a hug, because I've been there. And so I hope today that I can just, you know, give hope to somebody because it's when you're in the trenches, it is so hard. So I don't like to talk about it because it's hard to talk about. And then in part two, you know, I never want anybody to feel guilt. And so some of the things that went on, I know my family, you know, they're so supportive and awesome. But I never want them to feel guilty about anything that went on because I know that their desires are in the right place and they love me. 

 

Aubryann  4:52

So anyhow, to backtrack my overview. It's like hard to know where it is to start. But really, it starts pretty young, my journey with my body and what's gotten me to where I am at today. So I was pretty aware of my body at a very young age. And I really started with an eating disorder at a young age. And anybody that struggled with that, you know, it's, you know, on the part it is like, you want to look a certain way. But a bigger part of that is there are other things going on around you that you can't control and so you're internalizing that, and you're trying to control that. A lot of people that struggle with eating disorders are very, like, overly empathetic. So you feel so much what other people are feeling and what's going on around you, you're internalizing that, you're trying to control it in a way, and you can attempt at least to control your body. Of course, you know, it doesn't work like that. But that's kind of what's going on there. 

 

Aubryann  5:56

So, you know, my family's awesome, we had some things going on, just like any other family, I was trying to internalize that. And then on the other side of it, I don't necessarily have the same body type as my family. Like, my dad is a physical therapist, and I've always been around athletes. He, you know, instilled in us a love of like everything outdoors but I didn't look like my family. And I would notice that you know, I had, I was heavier than them. And looking back on those pictures. It's like, I didn't look that different. But to me, I looked really different. And so like, the best way I can explain it is like, with the eating disorder, there was like a film over my eyes. And I still just deal with this, but I couldn't recognize what was going on. It's like somebody's put like glasses over your eyes, or, you know, you're looking at a mirror that distorts your image. And you only see it that way but that's your reality. And now when I do this, I recognize okay, this isn't right, I can go into another room kind of close my eyes, ground myself go back, and I see something completely different. But for me, you know, starting at age 10, through high school, I just like had this film over my eyes. And I just saw my body as this huge distorted thing and I just needed to restrict and control that more.

 

Amber B  7:11  

I have a question about that. If you're willing to answer when you say that you saw something different? Are you meaning in a literal sense, like a body dysmorphia? Like when you looked into the mirror, you literally saw something different? Or are you is that like a more metaphorical sense that you're talking about that?

 

Aubryann  7:24  

No, I literally saw something different. And so it's like, I saw this huge body. And that's not like looking back at pictures, that's not what was there. 

 

Amber B  7:34  

It wasn't real, but it was your reality. It was your reality when you literally- 

 

Aubryann  7:37  

It was literally what I saw. And so again, it's something I still like, I can still experience that. But like this film, but I have to turn it off and I can do that now. I couldn't do that then. 

 

Amber B  7:46  

But you couldn't do that at that young age. Yeah, so so interesting. Okay, sorry. Keep going.

 

Aubryann  7:51  

Okay, no, that's good. So anyhow, all through, you know, pretty young, it just the restriction got greater and greater. When my parents recognized, you know, what was going on because, of course, like, I didn't want them to know, like, Hey, I'm, you know, doing these things. And they got me the help I needed. They were like, What do you need? I'm like, I need a personal trainer and I needed a dietician. And both those two people told me no, you need a counselor.

 

Amber B  8:19  

From a parenting perspective, I think it might be helpful for some people who are parents of knowing what were the indicators that you needed more help.  Was that sought from them seeing a decrease in weight? Was that from them seeing behaviors, but I know that there are a lot of moms and dads who are wondering, what is that line of when I need to seek help for my child?

 

Aubryann  8:43  

Yeah, yeah, it's hard. And I mean, the biggest things that I can say are like, having open communication, like my parents, were always people that I could go to, even when I didn't want to, and, you know, tried to hide this from them, when it did eventually come forward, and I could talk to them about it. And what I think it's hard, I've like blocked out a lot of memories, but definitely my behaviors and then my weight was always fluctuating, you know, higher and then lower than what it should have been. But I played sports a lot in different things, too. So I don't know that that was the biggest thing for me. It really was the behaviors and they started seeing those harmful behaviors come forward. 

 

Amber B  9:30  

And I think for parents who are listening, I think one of the things that are really important to rely on is a little bit of your gut in these kinds of situations. Like if you're seeing something in your child that you're just not sure about. Err on the side of like, getting them more help, right, like maybe you're a little overprotective and maybe they don't really need that. But I think the err on that side is much better than the err of just trying to brush it off and saying that there's nothing that's a problem.

 

Aubryann  9:59  

Yeah. Well, so I have three girls. Right now they're only four, two, and one. But like, I always thought I'd have boys, and part of why I think God has given me three girls is because I can help them. Which is not what I wanted, I wanted boys and like, we can deal with other things. We got girls, and not the boys can't deal with that. But it's just different. So I think how I'm going to kind of approach it and to an extent, like it's easier to hypothesize about that, right. But just starting at that young age, and really starting now teaching them how to balance those have balanced meals, teaching them how their body is going to fluctuate, and then you know, more than anything, setting a good example of that, like, my body gets bigger when I'm pregnant. That's great. I'm growing a baby like how awesome are our bodies were made to grow babies and at dinner, we need to have you know, veggies and we need to have carbs, carbs are great, we need to have protein, this helps keeps a full, let's throw some butter on there, man, like everything's better with butter. So modeling that. And then open conversation, especially with like social media. You know, I don't want my kids to be on social media for a long time, but it is going to happen. And I want them to experience that whether in my home so I can help them navigate that. I don't want them using apps hopefully we can avoid that are like apps that monitor and change what you look like, right? Because that just once you see your face with like an app over it, like, it's hard to not-

 

Amber B  11:27  

It distorts reality. It's like the lens that you were talking about in like physical form, where it distorts reality.

 

Aubryann  11:34  

Yeah. But in a way that you can never match up to. And so, I mean, I don't know if that's helpful at all, those are some things that I'm, you know, currently working on and planning to continue to implement. And then again, just creating a relationship where my daughters and I always have an open conversation. And if they want to, you know, get stronger, I'm here for it. I can teach them how to do that, we can go to the gym together. And hopefully, we're already doing that. But we can have those conversations of okay, you're uncomfortable with your body. Let's work on the inside and let's work on the outside too, that's great. So I hope those thoughts are helpful. 

 

Amber B  12:13  

No, they're super helpful. I am curious, I had a conversation a couple of days ago with a client, we were doing a coaching call. And we discovered together through this coaching call that she has a daughter who has been having an eating disorder issue and has been had, you know, they've been struggling with that. And I helped her kind of uncover that, in order to try and balance the eating disorder of her daughter. She's swung way far to the other side of binging. And like overeating and overeating, like foods that, you know, don't make her feel great because she feels like on like subconsciously, she didn't recognize this until we talked about it. Subconsciously, she's trying to balance out our daughter is like her daughter is on this one extreme. And so she's trying to like kind of counterbalance her by being on the way other extremes. And I wonder if that is anything that you ever experience having been on that other extreme of feeling like do I need to go way far to the other side to like, show my daughters that it's okay to eat butter. But what we talked about, and you can't underestimate it, but what we talked about was that, in order to balance your daughter, you actually need to model the behavior you want to see in her not the opposite of the behavior you want to see in her. And so if we think about it as like, the daughter is an extreme. And now this mother is also on the other extreme, we don't want to be modeling the either extreme for children, we want to model what we want them to do, which is in the middle, I guess is that moderation. And so we kind of talked about how we can, when you model the moderation, we can help your daughter move to that moderation, which is where you want her to end up. So I don't know if you've ever experienced any of that desire to kind of counterbalance your experience growing up? Or if you have really found no, I've really figured out that middle ground and that's what I want to model for my daughters?

 

Aubryann  12:16  

I just the middle ground is so important because I mean if anything like seeing the opposite end of it, that's scary, too. It's like if you're you know, trying to control yourself in control your body and make it smaller, seeing you know, unhealthy habits are just going to scare you more and make you want to restrict more at least that's what I would have done.

 

Amber B  14:20 

 

That's really interesting, I hadn't even thought about that. 

 

Aubryann  14:23  

I want to be as far away from that as I can. 

 

Amber B  14:27  

And that's almost what drives you to the eating disorder is to be as far away as possible from that. 

 

Aubryann  14:32  

Yes. And so yeah, it really is important that you're modeling like, and that was something I didn't have the knowledge of growing up like what did a balanced meal like my dad worked a lot he ate later in the day. So I would try and wait till then, but I've played high school sports I was starving, but I felt bad for being hungry. Kind of a different thing. Anyhow, so modeling like yeah, let's go get crumble cookie but also at dinner like we need to balance that out. There's not bad food, there's not, you know, good food, there's just food. And there are ways of feeling your body and you need all of it. And you should be able to have all of them. It's kind of a thing but in that moderation.

 

Amber B  15:13  

Yeah, so good. So, let's go back to your story and you talked about your parents kind of recognizing some of these behaviors and getting you not a nutritionist, not a PT, but giving you a counselor and someone who was trained to deal with eating disorders. Can you talk to us a little bit about that experience of what that was like going to a counselor? What lessons did you learn there? And how did that process of healing start for you?

 

Aubryann  15:40  

That was really hard because I didn't want to go, I did not want to admit that that was actually a problem for me. You know, and by that point, my best friend and my family were aware of what was going on. And they were all asking me to seek out help. And I was just like, no, like, I don't have any issues, because, to me, that was viewed as a weakness. And I'm stronger than that was my perspective. Obviously, counseling is great. At the time, I wasn't really willing to listen. But the things that I did learn were very helpful. So she helped me to recognize that it's not just like, this superficial thing, because I felt so much guilt towards that, like, Oh, it's just, you know, that I want to look skinny and that's why I'm going to these extremes and that's pretty stupid. But really, there were other things that were going on that I was trying to control. So that was helpful, just to be aware, like, Okay, this is an issue. And finally coming to terms with that, which they're, you know, counseling did help me with that. It was helpful for us as a family, they had some of my parents sit on, or they had my parents come into a couple of the sessions, to kind of help them understand a better perspective of what I was going through and what my thought process was, and why I was doing the actions that I was doing. And then, like, they had me going to like a support group. And really just getting any help that I could, so it was really good. And I've, since visited counselors kind of is like a reset, just to get tools, you know, even though it's not something that I'm struggling with, like it was back then, you know, before I got pregnant, for the first time, I was like, Okay, this is going to be a hard thing for me gaining weight. So I wanted to go to the counselor and get some tools. And so really great option there. Don't be ashamed of it. Like, you do it, it's just kind of with that. 

 

Aubryann  17:29  

So counseling was super big, in helping me at least recognize there was a problem. And then I did that through my senior year of high school. And then I went to college. I went to BYU and started my freshman there. And it was like freeing because I was on my own. And so my habits at like, a distance looked healthy, but they were so restrictive, they weren't. I trained for my first marathon my freshman year, and just got to a point where like, I had teachers coming up to me, and they're like you don't look okay. And I'm like, trying to ignore them. But it was an issue. 

 

Aubryann  18:06  

A big turning point for me was, that I decided to serve a mission for our church. I just wanted to share how awesome God is. And you know, the change that he can have on our lives, and the love that Christ has for us. So I wanted to serve a mission, and I got my assignment. And about three months into my mission, these habits were coming back so hard, because you're in such a stressful situation. And that's how I knew to deal with that stressor. Because we go back to these restrictions. And I got to a point where I really was just, this is hard to talk about, but I was on, you know, praying and just kind of had this epiphany that if I continue to restrict, I wouldn't be able to stay on my mission and how sad that would be because I wouldn't be able to do what I set out to do, which was served. So I just kind of said, “Okay, God, like I'm giving this up to you.” And, you know, I hope if anybody you know, if you don't have a relationship with God, like, I hope you can lean on that. Because there's a lot of help and power there. Anyhow, so I actually gained 50 pounds on my mission. I served an Alabama Roll tide, but there's so much fried food, so much butter, so much fried chicken, and the best biscuits ever. And it was rough, but also like I was doing things that were more important. So that was great, but coming home back to reality, just felt like a wall hit me and I'm like, okay, like, I need to get back in order. 

 

Aubryann  19:44

So, you know, that just kind of continued this process of searching for information. I did the whole 30 at that point, it always came back to calorie counting because I knew that that was something that I knew worked. But like I mean, over the years I've done the whole 30, Paleo was big back in the day, keto is bigger, more recently, the Mediterranean, like everything that you could think of. And really, as I've been going through this, I've just been searching for information on, you know, what really is the science on how to take care of my body and get to the place that I want to be at. And at least by this point, I could recognize, you know, after I come from my mission, my husband and I got married pretty soon after I got remission. You know, we were talking about having a family I recognized like, I don't want to just, you know, be skinny and be small. And I don't want to have these habits because I don't want them to affect my future family. So at that point, this search became for, like, how do I move past this? And where do I get to this place of peace, honestly, where I'm not at war with my body, and where, you know, I feel like I can take care of myself and take care of my family in the way that we need?

 

Amber B  20:58  

So one of the things that were coming up for me, as you're telling your story, is this repeating theme of shame. And I kept thinking, the thing that I so we did eating disorders, we did like an eating disorder clinic in nursing school. So I went to like an in-house eating disorder clinic with, you know, people with like, you know, tubes into their stomach because they wouldn't eat. So they like had to like fuel them through a tube. And I went to one of those, the counseling sessions that you're talking about, like a group counseling session, so I like sitting in on this. And the thing that I think a lot of people don't recognize is that you know, an eating disorder is like any mental health challenge, like anxiety or depression. And it just is, the way that your brain is working as a coping mechanism as you talked about, it's like when people feel out of control, it's like, the thing that they can control is food. And so that's what they lean on. And I think in the last, you know, five years or so, we've done a really good job of destigmatizing mental health in the realm of anxiety, in the realm of depression, in these other realms. And I think one thing that I want to see more of is the destigmatization of eating disorders, and not seeing them as a moral failing, or anything that you need to be ashamed about. And recognizing that it's just like another mental health issue where we get counseling, and we get therapy, and we have people help us and there are ways to, like, move past it. And you know, to some extent, like you said, that there's still a lot of chronic illness that comes with it. But now you're equipped with tools to be able to move past it. 

 

Amber B  22:30  

But I think when there still is a lot of shame that can be attached with like, Oh, you're weak. And so you have an eating disorder, oh, you're damaged, you know, you have a disorder. So you're damaged. And I just really, I really appreciate you sharing the story, because my hope is, is that people will hear this one, and have hope that there can be a change in the future. And two, maybe the more that we start to talk about it, the more that people can come out of the woodworks and really get the support and hope that they need to be able to move past it or, or to at least like have it become a manageable part of their existence. 

 

Amber B  23:05 

So I'm curious for you because you ended up joining MACROS 101. 

 

Aubryann  23:09  

Yeah. 

 

Amber B  23:10  

What was that experience? 

 

Aubryann  23:12  

It was awesome.

 

Amber B  23:12  

It was awesome. Well, great. I'm so glad. But what was that experience like for you like what made you join? What was that deciding factor? And was there any concern in your mind about the disordered eating coming back because of using like, macro counting? That's a question that I really wanted to talk and dive into because I think sometimes with people who have a disordered eating past that can be a fear of theirs is like if I go to any type of control, then I go away to the extreme of that control. So what made you join and was there any concern about that bringing back some of your past demons?

 

Aubryann  23:49  

Okay, so let me attack that first question first. So as I mentioned, like, I've tried like everything under the sun, looking for information, because I wanted to get to this point that I had seen that other people could do, where they just live this balanced lifestyle like I love working out. Just because it feels good, I love being outside, and I want to just take care of my body and be at peace with that. So in that search, like I became a personal trainer, through the NSCA. Great program, I felt like it was lacking, especially on the nutrition side of things. Like it helped me a lot with like the exercise and like how our bodies work and how muscle is made. But it's not it's you know, I'm not a dietician, and I studied Spanish like that lately, that is nothing related. And I love Spanish education, and I wouldn't change anything. But anyhow, so searching for information, I always knew that going back to when it came to losing weight and what's been successful for me was calories in versus calories out. 

 

Aubryann  24:48  

So when I was looking at different programs and things I found your page when I was pregnant with my second and I started following you. I love the content, loved that you were real, and I loved how you divided the science from the emotion. And that's what I was trying to get out. Because so many times, there's like so much emotion tied with losing weight. And then that, you know, makes us and this is what you address in your coaching. Oh, because I didn't lose the way I'm a failure, or you know different things like that, that beliefs that we have tied to that and no, like you eight extra calories that day. That's all that is, that's all that means. So it was looking for that science. I saw a lot of it in your program but I was hesitant to jump into your program. And if I can just put this in, don't be hesitant, just dive in. Because I was like, I already know a lot about losing weight, like, is it really worth paying for this program, but I already know a lot about macros. And I actually signed up with a different macro coach and didn't have a great experience. But I'm like, I'm gonna do this. And of course, like, again, how you explain the science is awesome. How you coach and coach through the emotion is great. Which is exactly what I was looking for and what I found. So that's what kind of took me to Macros was just on that search for the right information. Because, I mean, we could go on a whole five-hour rant on how the health industry is just skewed on finding what is actually true.

 

Amber B  26:19 

Oh my god. Yeah, way longer than five hours. I will join you in that.

 

Aubryann  26:23  

Yes. Anyhow. So that's what led me to MACROS 101. Okay, so to your second question, just make sure I understood it correctly. Like, if I was worried that like tracking macros would make me go back into that restriction? 

 

Amber B  26:38  

Yes. 

 

Aubryann  26:38  

That is something that I've had to deal with whether it was macros or whatever diet, it was just making sure that I'm, you know, checking in with myself, honestly, and am I using this as a punishment, or I'm using this to reach my goals. And because I deserve that and to, you know, fulfill the things that I want, and I'm looking for. So I just kind of have like, like, you talked about this in your MACROS 101 program, like, you know, the weekly check-ins, your goal sitting down. And so that's just kind of something that I've automatically learned to do is like to do that check-in. 

 

Amber B  27:17  

And check in with yourself. Yeah. And I think it's valuable for anybody, it's like that check in with yourself.

 

Aubryann  27:24  

And then also having, you know, sometimes when you've been to that extreme, it's also helpful to have an outside opinion. So a lot of the times, my husband will bring up like, hey, that wasn't like a run for fun, that was a raging run. And that was a punishment, and you need to, you know, next time, make sure that you're going on a run because you want to not because you feel like you have to, in order to be worthy of whatever you think that you need. 

 

Amber B  27:48  

So it's like you're checking in with yourself but you also have those outside people who are trusted to check in with you as well. And it's like, sometimes they can see things, even when you're checking in with yourself. Sometimes that outside perspective can be like, Oh, maybe that wasn't actually a run for fun. And it's great that you'll listen to that. I think, you know, it takes a little humility to do that. But when you have someone who's trusted, that they have their best interests at heart.

 

Aubryann  28:12  

Yeah, if you can find somebody like that, that you and be willing to listen, like. I mean, again, there's definitely been points in my life where I've had people willing to help and I was not always willing to listen. But I'm checking in with myself, checking in with my parents, my husband, like seeing how what they think I'm how they think I'm doing and it's very helpful to kind of give that perspective. And then going back to, again, why am I doing this, you know, this is to help me find the knowledge that I need to get to a place where I can teach my family how to do that and so forth.

 

Amber B  28:52  

Yeah. So in that same vein, in MACROS 101, we talk about finding your “Why”. We talk about finding your Big Why. And when you share your experience with that piece, what happened to you, when you started to dive into that?

 

Aubryann  29:09  

This was the part that I avoided, like, I was so excited to jump into all the modules, I didn't want to do them in order at all, but I did. I wanted to just jump right into like module three or four where like, you know, you're actually working on the macros and it's so good that you have the groundwork, I just didn't want to do it, but that's why you have it because you do need it.

 

Amber B  29:28  

You do need it. It's foundational.

 

Aubryann  29:30  

You do, you're not going to move like actually make a lasting change until you do that foundational work. And that foundational work really just built on everything else that I've been working on. So the why though, I kept avoiding because again, it came back to that shame. Like I'm just like, oh, this is just superficial. You know, I know that I just, you know, even though I've, for the most part, move past those restrictions and that eating disorder like this is still a superficial goal, and I still felt shame behind that, and so I finally was like, I just need to sit down and do this. And I was actually like you put us in little groups, my group is awesome. And so collectively we were talking. And we're like, Yeah, I haven't really done that yet. So I'm like, “Okay, I need to do it.” So I sat down to do it. And you at one point, I don't know if it was in a podcast, or in the actual program had said that a lot of times, you'll get emotional about your big why. And I just kind of laughed when you said that, which is terrible knowing that.

 

Amber B  30:28  

No, it's real. It's honest. It's what it is. 

 

Aubryann  30:32  

It is. I started crying, I started bawling my husband's like, are you okay? But I realized, for me, it was I want to heal. And that kind of became my mantra was to heal, like, I have been through so much with this body and hating it for so much. I just wanted to move past that and just heal those wounds. I didn't want them to really be apart. I mean, obviously, they're always gonna be a part, but something that defined my you know, in a negative way, I wanted to be stronger than I wanted to heal. And it's kind of evolved from that to move forward like I want to heal, and I want to move forward. Like, I will always work out, I love that I'll have balanced meals. But I want to focus on my master's in Spanish, and I want to learn to play guitar better and learn piano and take some of that energy that I've spent for so long on hating my body towards those other goals that I have, I want to move forward to bigger things that I can do, I've just, you know, not taking the time to do that because so much energy has been spent elsewhere. So finding why I avoided it was a really cool experience to sit down and realize, No, this is deep and I want to heal. 

 

Amber B  31:51  

That's beautiful. Oh, that like, Yeah, it just makes me smile so much. I love hearing about that experience that you had. So something that we haven't really touched on, because we've talked about a lot of the internal work that's happened. And that makes a lot of sense because we focus a lot on that. That second part of it is, is when we do that internal work, the external often will change as well. And so we haven't talked about the physical results that you had as you went through this process. So we talked a little bit about that, and what that experience was like.

 

Aubryann  32:25  

Yeah, so through MACROS 101 I lost 30 pounds, and it like, wasn't very hard, honestly, especially compared to everything that I've done in the past to lose weight, like, I know that I can lose weight, I'm pretty good at that at this point. Like when I came home from Alabama on my mission, I did lose 50 pounds. You know, each time I get pregnant, I get so sick during my pregnancies, and even though like my lifestyle is very active, and I love working out, I can't do that when I'm pregnant. I'm just so sick the whole time. So I gained quite a bit of weight and each time before I get pregnant again, I lose that baby weight. So I knew that I could do that, I wanted a better way to do that I wanted the more, you know, tried and true science way to do that versus just like, Oh, if you eat, you know, keto-approved food, then you're gonna happen to lose this weight. And it's like, well, why that's really just come still down to the calories in versus calories out but that's another discussion. 

 

Aubryann 33:19  

Anyhow, so there were the 30 pounds what was cool for me though, more than just losing 30 pounds because again, I've lost large amounts of weight before when needed was that I kind of had this number that I could never get past. Like I'm 10 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight without even trying. I'm currently in maintenance and just really enjoying that but my plan is to do another cut. Because next year we'll probably start trying for another baby so I just want to do one more cut and you know, really get down to kind of where my goals are. But I'm 10 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight and that was just kind of that number in my head that I was like this is just like my 

 

Amber B  34:02

It just can't get past, I can't do it. 

 

Aubryann  34:04  

Yeah, it just can't get past that. And I'm you know, I'm really active, I can work out and I was okay with that number, but I love it. And it's not anything to do with the number in that regard but just like that size or that version of my body. But I was okay with it. But then I did MACROS 101 and I'm like, not even I mean, I'm trying obviously but it wasn't like that hard. I was just being consistent. There wasn't that restriction that there's been in the past like, I'm still eating ice cream, I'm still eating crumble cookies, I am religiously addicted. Like I shouldn't say that. I'm addicted to crumble cookies is bad. But it's great. So just eat those in moderation. And I still got 10 pounds below prepregnancy weight and it's awesome. So physically, great. 

 

Amber B  34:52  

Yeah, yeah, that's so awesome. How would you say that you're approaching your goals differently now that you've gone through MACROS 101?

 

Aubryann  34:59  

So this really stuck with me from MACROS 101 and it's silly because I'm really big on goal setting. But just, there was so much to learn still from your program. And something that you say that stuck really hard with me is that your success is inevitable. And so just through your program that really just kind of became ingrained. So now, I just feel like I'm at this, this place that I always wanted to be, I'm at peace. I'm at peace and I have the confidence that I didn't have previously that, okay, this is the science, you know, this is what my body needs. This is what I can do with my body, whether it's, you know, growing muscle or losing fat. And this is how I do that. And more importantly, this is how I can help my family and provide balanced meals for them, and model, that balance that I've been trying to find. So yeah, I, moving forward, like, I know that my success is inevitable.

 

Amber B  36:15  

In everything that you decide to do for your master's degree, you're like, family. That's so awesome. Okay, last question. If you could go back to Aubryann in your childhood and talk to her, sit down and like have a chat with her. What are some of the things that you would tell her?

 

Aubryann  36:34  

Yeah, so as you ask that, like, I have a really distinct memory, of sitting down with my mom. And it was shortly after they'd become aware of what was going on. And my mom, you know, I was just expressing to her how hard it was and what a dark place I was in. And I asked her, like, does it get better? And she like reassured me like, yeah, it does. And at the time, that was comforting, but I also didn't know if I could believe her. So if I could just go back to myself at that moment, and give myself a big hug, and just be like, keep pushing, it does get better, you can find that peace with your body. And really, with everything that's going on inside, you can do it. Just keep searching, finding that knowledge, and pushing forward, because you're worth it. If I could just tell her that and give her a big hug,

 

Amber B  37:34  

Yeah, that's beautiful. It's amazing. Thank you so much, I can't thank you enough, this conversation is important. And like I said, I think if two things, I hope to come out of this, and I'm sure other things will come out of it. But two things that I hope come out of it is I hope that we reduce the shame around eating disorders and that, it helps somebody to seek the help that they deserve and can get. And I think by being willing to share hard things, and hard experiences and lessons that you learned through this experience, that's my hope is that someone here listening is gonna go get help, because they recognize you know, what, it's not hopeless, I can change there is a future, the future is better, like it does get better. There is another side to it. And that's really what I hope that people are taking away from this conversation. So thanks so much for being willing to come and share your story. It really is going to help people know. 

 

Aubryann  38:38  

No, thank you so much. And if I can just add on like that last two seconds. So, you know, absolutely everybody that has had similar struggles, but I feel like it just applies to, you know, most people in your program because to an extent they probably aren't at peace with their body. You know, no matter how extreme that is, or isn't, you know, and taking the time to heal yourself, you know, on the inside, like we've talked about spiritually, emotionally, and then physically too, but you can't just focus on one of those. Like, take the time to heal all three because that's really where that peace is gonna come from. Yeah, so yeah. And thank you for your program. I mean, it's just I can, it's so refreshing how it's just that science that, you know, I was craving and searching for and it shouldn't be that hard to find, but it is, and then how you coach through the emotion and took away the shame from that. That was awesome. So thank you. 

 

Amber B  39:32  

That's so good. Thank you so much. 

 

Amber B  39:36

Was she right or was she right? For those of you who feel like, well, eating disorder isn't really applicable to me or anybody that I know. The thing that Aubryann said about the end about how the concepts we were talking about, the principles that we were talking about are applicable, whether or not you struggle with an eating disorder and I think you really could see that woven throughout the whole entire episode is that regardless of if you feel like you have a diagnosable eating disorder or not, these principles of trying to be in control of using foods sometimes as a buffer, these ideas of how we set goals and how we think about goals and how we think about what's possible for us, are all intricately woven into our success as we reach for our goals, whether they're physical or mental, or spiritual or emotional. And I like how she really talked about at the end of that is the totality of a person, it is not just the physical, but it's the physical and mental, and the spiritual, and the emotional. And really getting all of those aspects of us in top-notch shape, is what is going to help us to feel healed, to feel whole to feel at peace with ourselves. And at the end of the day, that's really what most of us are searching for, isn't it? 

 

Amber B  40:51 

Thank you for joining me for this episode. If it did something to you if it spoke to you if you've got a takeaway or a breakthrough because you listen to this episode, would you do me a favor and share it. Share it on your Instagram, share it on your stories, share it on Facebook, share it on your group chat, share it with a sister or a friend, or text it to somebody. But the best way that you can say thank you for free content, you know, as this is speaking as a content creator is to share that content. And that goes for me but it also goes for all the other content creators that you love because there's a bunch out there. The best way you can thank somebody who's putting out free content is to share their content. So thank you to those of you who share the episode, who share the podcast with your friends, and thank you to those who have left a rating and review on iTunes. That makes a difference. I know it seems like such a little thing and it takes you two to three minutes. But again, as a content creator, it means the world to me and to other content creators. So thank you so much to those of you who have done that and who continue to support the podcast. It's something that I love to do and I'm glad that you guys love it as much as I do. 

 

Amber B  41:58

That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything. 

 

Outro

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