189: How To Love Yourself And Not Need Validation From Others| Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio episode number 189.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four. Each week, my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.

 

Amber B  0:46

Hey, hey, hey welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host Amber Brueseke. And we're doing something that we haven't done in quite a while, we've done a couple of times where we've brought on live coaching episodes, where I take a coaching experience that I've had typically in MACROS 101 or BEYOND MACROS 101, or sometimes Free Coaching Fridays, we put them here on the podcast. And the purpose of it is really for you to get to hear somebody else get coached, and what that experience can be like. And what you'll find is that even if you don't have the exact same question, that the person who's getting coached is asking that you're going to listen to this coaching, and you're going to take away stuff that is going to directly apply to your own unique journey. And that is the power of group coaching. I know there's a lot of people who have this idea that one to one coaching is the pinnacle, and that, you know, investing in one on one coaching is the end all be all. And you know, I've invested in one on one coaching, there's value in that for sure. But one of the reasons I've moved away from the one on one coaching and moving in towards more group coaching is because I've seen the power of listening to other people get coached. What happens when we are in the hot seat is when we are getting coached. A lot of times we get in our head. And it can be hard because you're trying to come up with answers on the spot and it can just be hard to process. And what I found is that when people can remove themselves a little bit from it, and it's not them getting coached, but it's somebody else getting coached, you're able to see things a little bit more clearly than when you're in the position yourself. It's almost like how we are so much more objective with the way that our friends look than the way that we look. We always think that we look terrible. But we would never say that about our friends. It's kind of the same way where it's you, when you listen to somebody else get coached you it's a different perspective, that is different from the you looking at yourself in the mirror. And so what you're going to find, as you listen to this episode, as you listen to this coaching conversation is that, again, even if this is not ever a question you've ever asked yourself, there will be nuggets in here that will make you go, Oh, I can totally apply that to my journey right now. And that's my goal is for you to leave listening to this coaching conversation and then know how you can take that nugget and apply it to your journey and help you get better. And that's one of the reasons that I love group coaching. And it's one of the reasons we do group coaching inside of MACROS 101, because there is incredible, incredible value in hearing other people's questions and hearing other perspectives. And then the last reason that I really love group coaching, is because you do not know what you do not know. So we can ask a question about something we know we lack understanding about. That's easy. What is much more insidious and much harder is to ask a question that you don't know you have a question about, it's like something you don't know that you don't know. And so how can you ask a question about that? And that's the other thing that I see coming up in group coaching is somebody else will ask a question and you'll go like, Oh, I didn't ever think to ask that question. But I totally had the same question. And as we go through this coaching conversation with Nicole, you may have that experience where you're like, I didn't really think I had this question. But listening to this, I did have this question. And now I not only have this question, but now that question has been answered. 

 

Amber B  4:18 

If you like listening to live coaching, we do have some other podcast episodes that you can go back in the archives and listen to to get other life coaching episodes. So episode 80 and 81, episode 160 and episode 158 are all other live coaching sessions that we have put up on the podcast. So we'll link all of those up in the show notes which are at bicepsafterbabies.com/189 and you can go and listen to those other coaching sessions if you find this one helpful. 

 

Amber B  4:51 

So let me just set up this frame a little bit. I am coaching Nicole today and this is inside of BEYOND MACROS 101 which is our continued coaching program that happens after MACROS 101  for only for alumni, the only way you can get in there is to be an alumni of MACROS 101. And we do a lot of live coaching in that program. And so this is our coaching call. And Nicole asked a really great question. And you'll notice that the question that she starts with doesn't isn't really the question that we end with. And that's a lot of times what happens with coaching, because the question that you think you have, usually there's something underneath it and in this coaching session, we really get down to it. And then after I finished this coaching session with Nicole, my team that was on the coaching call, just raved there, like that was such a good coaching experience, like that just opened a lot of women's eyes, it just was it really landed. And so when they said that I had the idea, let's put on the podcast, let's get more women to listen to this, because I think there's going to be a lot of aha moments that will relate to where you may be at in your journey. So that further ado, let's jump into that coaching session with Nicole.

 

Nicole  6:01  

My question is, it's more just like how to deal with the mental space of the scale. So like, a little bit of a backstory. And so I've just kind of been yo-yoed for years, right? I have three kids. I'm in my 30s. Like, I just have never had a good relationship with the scale with my body with myself all the things, right. So I did, I finally found macros last year, started last year, and did a cut for like, I gained it all back over the summer, you're naming just kind of felt like this yo yo thing anyway, so I finally did your MACROS 101. And was trying to do a lot of the mental work with it. That was like, Really, my goal with the program was to do the mental work, you know, because I think that's what holds me back a lot of the time. Anyways, so I lost some weight, like some significant inches, I've put on some muscle. And now I'm at maintenance. Now my question is just like, how do you get out of the mental space of, so I'm up like five or six pounds from when I did my reverse and I'm out of maintenance. But I'm like, is that okay? My waist has not changed. So this is, but it's just the scale, you didn't mean that I'm like, for some reason, I just feel like, I label it as fit, like, I'm at my fitness. And it's, it's so funny because the lowest I got was like 136. And I’m 5’5”, I'm not super tall. So it's like an appropriate weight. But now I'm like 140 to 140 is kind of where I have just maintained, you know, after I did my reverse. But I'm like, is that too much? Like should I have? Am I eating too much? Do I need to lower my calories? But then I'm like, am I giving the scale too much, you know, power over my life. And just realizing that like, my waist hasn't changed? So might be some muscle because I've been lifting a lot, you know? So just really, I just really want to find peace with a scale and not give it as much power as I do. And yeah, so I just need some tips.

 

Amber B  8:05  

Cool. Awesome. So first of all, I'm glad that you recognize that some of that may be muscle because that was my first inclination as well. It was like, if you're saying your waist hasn't changed the scales up, you're lifting weights. You're at a maintenance level. Yeah, you probably are getting some muscle. And is that a bad thing?

 

Nicole  8:28  

No, and that's what I want. But it's just seriously like this mental thing of like, every time I've lost weight is 130.  You may mean like, but why? And I've even, Amber, even like, gone back to like, what would Amber say? Like, what would she tell me? Why do you give so much power to 130? Like, why do you give us you know, why does that mean so much to you? But it just makes me in my head feel smaller, I feel better. Like, I shouldn't get that number, that much power. So it's trying to work through that part of it because this is what I want. And even people like if I go to the gym, or people that I see they're like, oh my gosh, over your shoulders, like you're getting ripped, like what are you doing? You know? So that's the thing is I know, there's muscle and I know and I'm like, I'm a nurse, too. So it's the science like I understand the science of it but it's just like, how do you work past those things? That's kind of

 

Amber B  9:21  

Okay, I'm gonna have you a sentence and I'm gonna have you fill in the sentence. And I don't want you to think, okay, I don't want you to overthink. I don't want you to filter, I don't want like, I just want like what comes up for you immediately when I asked you to fill in the sentence. When I hit 130 that will mean _____ .

 

Nicole  9:42  

What that will mean is that I like myself. 

 

Amber B  9:45  

Cool. Okay. So that's what it is. Right? That's what that number represents to you is that you will like yourself if that happens. And so, if we extrapolate that out, that means that you don't like yourself now and really can't like yourself unless you hit that weight. Okay, so you see what you've created, you created like a losing situation of like withholding love withholding, you know, liking yourself until a future that you don't think is part of you doesn't think is gonna ever happen. So it's like, no, you're never gonna get there. Okay, so that so when if you guys are listening that you're like, Yeah, I totally relate, Nicole, I have a number too, like there's a number, I want you guys to ask yourself that question like, What does that number represent to me because it's not the number, there's a representation of something bigger. And when we can identify what that representation is, then it's going to be really powerful in helping you to start to release it. Because in your brain, you've made this conditional. Like self love, and like, even self like is conditional on something that you don't have yet. And when we can separate that out, and tease it out and say, no, like, this actually isn't conditional. I can like myself right now. I can like myself, 10 pounds heavier, I can like myself 100 pounds heavier. Like it's the head there. It's like saying that, it's like apples and oranges. Like they are the same thing. You're like making them the same thing and they aren't. They're completely different things. They're not conditional on each other. And when you really start to believe that, then that power of those numbers gonna start to fade away. Okay. Does that like, talk me through what's going through your head right now? 

 

Nicole  11:41  

Yeah, that's and that's just like what it is too it's like, I think, as a magician trying to do like, I even tried to hop on the call last week, just have someone coach me through it. And I was thinking about it and stuff. And I just kind of always like, in my life and when I did my big why, like, this is gonna get really personal and really deep with myself. But my big “why” was like, it was the same thing because that I'll stop trying to be something that I'm not and I will like who I am, you know what I mean. Like I've always been a very high achiever, like, full ride scholarships, like, you know, right into nursing school at a really young age, like, you know, valedictorian, like all these really high things. And it's like, I almost set this bar in my life all the time. But I feel like I have to meet to prove to myself that I'm worth something,  do you know what I mean? And so I honestly have tried to like, break that down more and more. And I know, it's not going to happen overnight. But I just wish it would happen overnight. Like..

 

Amber B  12:48  

Well,  the good thing is that it actually can't happen overnight. So all that you have to do is decide that you want to believe something different. At some point in your life, you made a decision that you wanted to believe that you had to prove your worth. And you can make a decision today that that's not true anymore, that you don't, but you don't have to prove your worth that you don't have to prove anything. That worth is unchanging. And it cannot be proven because it just is. So a lot of times I talked about this in module three about letting go and how we, like I talk about letting go. And people always ask, “How do I do that? How do I let go? And the answer is, if you're holding your hand, like steering your hand, and I said and you're holding something and I said let go, you would just let go. You don't have to like to do anything special. It's like there's no there's no magic, it's like you just choose to let go at the end of the day it really starts to become a choice of what do you want to believe and what are you going to continue telling yourself because the belief is just something that you continue to tell yourself over and over again. So if you want to choose a new belief, you get to start to choose to tell yourself something different. And so but here's the question for you, what are you afraid will happen if you let go of this?

 

Nicole  14:14  

Oh, I don't know. These are hard questions. I know that hard is good. I think I don't know, I just think it's like I said in my head too. I associate that number with like, my level of fitness you know, like I feel like I associate it with like, if I am not in the 130 range. Like I am not in my halo at the highest level of fitness like I know this is going to seriously sound so great but like people aren't going to notice that I'm fit like and I don't know why I need that validation sometimes from people like I feel like you know, we work so hard. We try to eat right, like, do I need to have attention from it sounds so silly. You know when I say out loud but the reality, you know

 

Amber B  15:00  

But here's the thing is that all of us as humans want to feel loved. And if you aren't giving that love to yourself, that of course, you're going to go outside of yourself to find it. And so if other people's validation and praise and noticing of you is really important, it is evidence that you aren't giving that to yourself. And so until you choose to start to give that to yourself, and because you've been trying to withhold it, you've been withholding it. In most people, it's in an attempt to motivate yourself, you feel like if I withhold this from me, then that will be motivating, and I will work harder to get to that point. And so for a lot of people, it's like they fear releasing that judgment or fear, loving themselves where they're at, because they feel like all the motivation will dissipate. But in reality, it's like the exact opposite. It's like a kid and I actually just recorded something on the podcast this morning about this. It's like a kid at a soccer game. Like, I don't know if you have children. But if you did, a kid soccer game, that's like saying to your kid, kid, I'm not going to cheer for you. I'm not even going to love you, until you win this game, on a stand here on the sidelines and I will love you when you win this game, but you're not gonna hear a peep out of me until that, how would your child play versus the parent who stands on the sideline and like cheering them on and like, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, like, I'm gonna love you anyway, right, which of those kids is going to perform better in the soccer game?

 

Nicole  16:33  

Obviously, the kid that you're cheering on

 

Amber B  16:34  

It is like the kid knows that you're gonna love them, regardless of how they play, and who is cheering them on all the way. And so we give him this idea that not loving ourselves where we're at is a strategy for motivation but it actually is demotivating for most of us. And so starting to recognize that like you letting go of this is really just a choice, you can choose to let go of this at any time, you can choose to tell something different, and recognize that it actually is going to support the goals that you have, it's actually going to move you forward. Because right now you withholding love for yourself is forcing you to go out and make other people's opinions of you more important than your opinion of yourself. Okay?

 

Nicole  17:18  

That makes sense. 

 

Amber B  17:19  

Okay, so, what's next? What are you taking away from this?

 

Nicole  17:25  

Well, and that's like, that's where, like, I feel like my brain is still a little bit stuck. So it's almost like, I have to, like, almost retrain my brain, because like, if reality is gaining, you know, gaining, like five or six pounds from my cut, like, some of it could be fluctuations. I'm trying to, like, you know, rationalize, like, I have a very, like, I have to see the numbers, I have to see the data. Like, that's how I'm driven. And I think that's why your program has worked so well for me is because it's like, it's all data, you know. I just like it because it is gaining five pounds too much. You know what I mean, like, do you think, at what? That's kind of one other thing I wanted to ask too? Like, is that so significant that I need to worry about it? Or is it back to like the attainable and maintainable weight being where I can attain that 136 but like, in order for me to maintain that 136? It's going to take a lot of work, you know?

 

Amber B  18:22  

Yeah. So yes, yes. And if you're adding, like, when you say is five pounds too much, you have to have context, like, first of all too much compared to what? Like, there are plenty of women who gained 20 pounds of muscle. Is that too much? I don't know. It's like, what are you comparing it to? And then what are you gaining? Like, I guess that you're gaining muscle. And so we're like in a tizzy and like worried all about gaining muscle, but it's like, that's kind of what you wanted,

 

Nicole  18:55  

Like a goal 

 

Amber B  18:56  

That was the goal. And the byproduct of that is that your weight will have to go up. Muscle has to go somewhere  and it has to have a place. So the scale going up is part of that process. And if you sit here and tie yourself to this number, with a body that was different from the body that you have now and has less muscle, it's irrelevant. They're like, it's an irrelevant number.

 

Nicole  19:25  

Yeah, so yeah, that's it. I think that's just the thing of like, I need to be like, 136 isn't fit, like 140 can be fit, you know, like not giving it a number. And I think it just like you said, going back to the comparison thing, and I think sometimes I get way too drawn into that, like, you know, she weighs this much why do I weigh this much more, but like, I like look leaner than she does, you know, like, why can't I weigh less? It's just trying to be you know, get that mindset of like, it's just a number, you know, and it could just mean that like, everybody's body's different and you know, So I think that's part of my problem, too. I just need to figure out how to work through those thoughts, you know, well, and

 

Amber B  20:07  

And here's something I will offer to you, what I don't want you to do is go from 130 fiit is 130 to fit is 146. I want you to go from fit is not to fit is not a number. Like it's not a number, they're not the same thing. A number is not fit. Like those are the two different things. Those are apples and oranges. Because if you go from fit is 130 to fit is one you know, fit is 146. Well, now you just created a new, a new cage, a new cage to keep yourself in. And so even just like separating it completely, it's like fitness is not a number, you decide that you're fit. And I talk about this as like being the person that you want to be is like, you can decide right now that you are a fit person and you can make decisions from that place of like, what would a fit person do? What would the fifth version of myself do? Like? How would the fit version of myself talk to me? Right now, you can just say that right now. And that's a powerful place to be. So it's not a number. It's not a weight. It's not even an aesthetic. It's not a number of pounds, you can squat, it's a decision that you made. Are you a fit person? And then making choices from that place? Okay. 

 

Nicole  21:18  

Okay. Well, this was so helpful. Thank you so much, Amber.

 

Amber B  21:22  

I hope you learned something from that coaching session, I hope you were able to, you know, maybe learn something that you didn't know that you needed to learn that you can apply to your journey. One of the things that I loved about our conversation is it was centered around, you know what people think about you getting validation from other people on this idea that at the end of the day, it's our responsibility to like and love ourselves. 

 

Amber B  21:44  

And that leads perfectly into the challenge that actually just started yesterday called the I Love Me challenge. And if you're not signed up yet, it's not too late. This is a free 14 Day Challenge, where every single day you're going to get a text message and the challenge is created to help you get to the end of those 14 days, and really more confidently say you know what you think of me doesn't matter because I love me. And that's what we're helping you to do during the challenge. If you're ready to sign up, go to bicepsafterbabies.com/Iloveme,all one word, and you can get started on the I love my challenge. It fits perfectly with this topic that we covered in this coaching session with Nicole. 

 

Amber B  22:29 

That wraps up this episode of biceps after babies Radio. I'm Amber now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything. 

 

Outro

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