146: Dealing With Unsupportive Family And Friends

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps after Babies radio episode number 146.

Hello and welcome to Biceps after Babies radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four.  Each week, my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.

 

A podcast request on how to deal with positive changes 0:46

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of biceps after babies radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke. And this podcast episode today is specifically a request of one of you. So I get a lot of requests for podcast topics and obviously I can't do them all. But when this one came across me, I put a bookmark in it. And I was like, Yes, this is a really great topic and I think a lot of you are going to relate to it. So this was a message that I received from Bernadette. She said, Hi Amber, I joined Macros 101 last September and it was a game/mind/life changer. I love how I progressed since then, in so many ways, not only in fitness and nutrition, but in other areas of life as well. I binge listened to your podcast, and most of the episodes I've listened to more than once. You're doing such awesome, important, invaluable work. So first of all, thanks.- Bernadette. And then she goes on and says, so here's a topic I struggle with and I'd like to hear your take on it, maybe on your podcast, how to deal with positive changes, i.e. success. I know, first, celebrate the heck out of it your voice, it's in my head, which I love. But I mean, if people around me are at first surprised, but then also jealous or just feel left behind since we'd all had the same goal. But then one of us, (me) actually succeeds and sees sustainable results. And they try to sabotage like the crabs in the basket analogy. Are there any survival strategies? How do you see these greetings all the way from Austria- Bernadette. So first of all, thanks, Bernadette, for this podcast topic. Like I said, I think it's going to be one that many of you guys are going to relate to this idea of having a goal, working to achieve something and you know, whether it's along the way or after you've achieved it, having some friends and or family members and or people that you love that are around you that are maybe unsupportive. And that could look unsupportive as you're trying to reach your goal, that could look like trying to sabotage you in the process, or, you know, jealousy or different feelings that can come up if you actually reach your goal, and they don't. And how do we deal with that? You know, how do we manage that? And I think this is going to be an excellent topic to talk about. 

 

Understanding the Why 3:03

So I think, as we dive into this topic, the first thing is understanding the why. I'm really big on understanding why something is happening. I teach a lot about, you know, the science behind macros. And I think that helps people to understand when they understand the why, they understand the science behind it, then they're able to apply it better. And I think the same thing applies in this situation, when we understand where this is coming from or why our you know, our family members or loved ones who should be supporting us and should be cheering us on maybe aren't. And that can help us have a little bit of empathy and understanding about how we can then move forward as we continue to go on to reach our goals. 

 

Crab Analogy 3:43

So in case you aren't familiar with the analogy that Bernadette spoke about, there is this phenomenon with crabs, that if you put a bunch of crabs into a bucket, right, you're on the beach, you put a bunch of crabs into a bucket, the crabs will start to try and climb out, they will try to exit the bucket. But what will happen as one crab is starting to climb up and trying to get out of the bucket is as the crabs see that happening, the crabs will actually reach up and pull the crab down, pull the crab down back into the bucket. So none of the crabs will ever be able to actually exit the bucket because anytime they start to get close to exiting it, another crab is going to reach and pull them down. And it's almost as if the crabs are working against each other. And you can see that this analogy applies to humans as well. You've probably seen it at some point in your life when somebody starts to be successful when someone starts to succeed or move towards their goals. Sometimes the people around them cause issues, and they actually, you know, intentionally or unintentionally try to pull them down or try to make it so that they're not achieving those goals. And we see it a lot of times when people are trying to do some sort of self improvement. And when other people see that improvement and they don't have it, or they can't have it or they haven't had it, then that is typically when we see that almost like sabotaging behavior or to bring that crab, or that human or that person back into, you know, the general realm of where everybody is. It's this idea of, you know, if I can't have it, then you can't have it either. 

 

The root of why others feel threatened when you succeed 3:43

And the truth is, and we know this is that misery loves company, right? People can handle their own problems better, if other people around them are struggling with the same things, if other people around them are miserable in the same scenario as they are, it allows people to cope better. Because as humans, our natural inclination is to compare. And if we're able to compare and see that other people are sitting in the same, you know, terrible, or, you know, not ideal situation that we are, we're able to cope with it better. Whereas when we see people being able to get out of that situation, or not having to deal with that situation anymore, that it's harder for us to be able to deal with the situation or the problems that we see ourselves in. And so where are these unsupportive friends and family typically come from is it comes typically from a deep seated root of like some part of them feeling threatened by you being successful. What has happened is, they've created some sort of meaning around if you are successful. And you know, there's a variety of reasons that could be why this is coming from. But perhaps they've created the meaning that if you are successful, then that takes away their excuse of why they aren't successful. If nobody is successful, we can have the excuse that it can't be done, or it's impossible. But once somebody in our friend group accomplishes it, now that takes away that excuse, now, now, it's not impossible anymore, it's, you know, someone was able to achieve it. And so that creates some sort of meaning for that person, like, my friend was able to lose the weight, and I haven't been able to do it, which means I'm not good enough, or, you know, I'll never be successful, or she's better than me or whatever. There's been some sort of meaning created around the experience. 

 

The meaning that we create is the most important thing 7:30

And I teach this to my students, but there is a big difference between facts or what happened and then the meaning that we create around what happens. And it is the meaning that we create, that is the most important thing. And so I tell my students a lot that when you see someone who's been successful, on Instagram, in your family and your friend group, there are really two ways to experience the success of somebody else. And how you choose to experience someone else's success is very indicative of how successful you will be. And I've seen this over and over and over in my clients, that there is during talk about two ways that you can experience someone else's success. And one way that you can experience someone else's success is indicative of you being successful and one way is indicative of you not being successful. 

 

Two ways you can experience someone else's success 8:31

So what are those two ways you can experience someone else's success as evidence that it's possible for you. As evidence that you can do it, you can see other people being successful and let that be an example to you. You can say to yourself, wow, that's, that's super impressive that that person was able to do that. I'm really excited to be able to get there, myself, and how can I learn from their success. So you can come from the perspective of other people's achievements, other people's success is amazing, because it shows you that it's possible. Richard Bandler, many of you may know the story of the first four minute mile. So for many, many, many, many years, it was thought that it was physically impossible for humans to run a sub four minute mile just couldn't be done like physically could not be done. That was the thought process of people in the running community that it just physically was not that our bodies couldn't handle that. Richard Bandler then ran the first sub four minute mile. And when he broke that barrier, when he showed that it was possible, something like 20 more people in the next year, also broke the four minute mile barrier. So well, you know, why didn't they break the barrier before? Well, part of it was that it was thought that it was impossible. And once somebody showed that it was physically possible for humans to do that. Many, many other people followed suit. And so you can use that in your life when someone else is successful, that just shows you that it's possible. That's one way that you can view other successes. The second way that you can view other success is that you compare yourself against it, and it makes whatever you're doing not good enough, right? She's so much more successful than me, she's lost so much more weight than me, she has a bigger business than me, she's a better mother than me. And when we make that comparison of somebody else's success, meaning that we are a failure, you can already see how you're gonna show up in a very different way, when somebody else's success means that you aren't good enough. And the difference that I see in clients is those people who show up in the first way, where they cheer on other people's successes, and they look at it as evidence of what's possible for them are a million times more successful in reaching their goals, then those who show up and see other people's success, and make it mean that they're not good enough or make it mean that they aren't going to be able to be successful or make it mean that there's something wrong with them. 

 

Reflect on how do you experience other people's success 11:15

And so I think this is a really good self check that you can do, you know, self reflection that you can do on yourself right now. Think back to the past? How do you experience other people's success? How does it impact you? In the past, Have you been someone who defaults to the oh my gosh, she looks at how much you know, she's lost or look at how big her businesses are,  look at how cute her kids are, and how well dressed her kids are? It means that whatever you were doing wasn't good enough. Has that been your default in the past? Or have you been one who's already at that default of like, Yeah, I love celebrating others success, it makes me excited to see other people successful because of what it means I can accomplish. And if your default in the past has been the comparison, then I'm not good enough, putting yourself down? Well, now you know what may be holding you back and the longer that you stay in that sphere of other people's successes, meaning that you can't be successful as if there's a pie, as if there's a pie. And if somebody has success, they take a piece out of the pie, and now you can't have it. That's not how success works my friends. There's not some general pie that we all pull pieces from, and then there's none left for you. Success is in a pie like that. And so other people's success actually makes the pie bigger, the more people who are successful, it makes the pie bigger, it allows more success for everybody who's around that person. And you've probably heard it said before,  Jim Rohn said, You're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So when people that you spend time with are successful, that actually makes the pie bigger and allows for more success for everybody in that sphere. So we can see, I mean, we can start to apply this to ourselves, right? You can start to apply this to yourself, how do I view other people's success? And you can't force anybody else to do that same work, right, or to have that same perspective shift. I can't go out and force my family members or my friends to have that perspective shift. And so for many people in your life, who haven't thought about this, who haven't experienced, you know, having someone teach them about success and what's possible for them. For those people in your life, they may default to the comparison to the I'm not good enough, to the trying to pull you down, just like the crabs try to pull each other down when they start to see you as successful. 

 

Understanding its origin 13:52

And again, step one, I think is understanding where that comes from. I think it gives us a little bit of compassion and a little bit of understanding of being able to understand why somebody may be trying to sabotage you, why your friends or family who should be cheering for you, who you want supporting you may not be supporting you in the way that you would like. It's really self preservation for some people because of that meaning that they've created around somebody else being successful. And, you know, I've experienced it in my journey. I've lost friends as I have built my business. And it's not fun, it's not easy. But it's been a process of, as you know, I've grown and as I've been successful, there have been people who support me through that. And there have been people who don't support me through it. And you know, at some point it's like, I fight against whether I want to surround myself with people who aren't supporting me in achieving the goals that I want that I've set or in continued growth in myself. I had a specific friend who I was really good friends with as I started my business and I remember I, this was like at the very beginning of my business and I made a comment on my Facebook page about how proud I was of one of my clients. And one of my really good friends commented something kind of derogatory, and I remember when I read it, I just felt so sick. Like it was just, it was very, I don't even remember exactly what it was. But it was just very unsupportive, not something that you want to hear from your friend, as you're embarking on this new adventure and starting this business and like putting yourself out there and trying to build this new thing. It was a very unsupportive comment. And she later deleted the comment and apologized for it and accepted that apology. But the friendship has really never been the same. And we kind of diverged in, in our lives and in our friendship. And a lot of it was because it was, I think it was hard for her to handle the success that I was seeing and the, you know, growth of my business that I was having. And you know that like, that's kind of sad, I don't say that it's like the easiest thing. But at the end of the day, I want people around me who are going to support me and who are going to lift me up, and I want to do the same for them. And that may change over time and that may change over years. And like choosing who you surround yourself with is, is really important. I want to choose to be around people who get excited about my success, who cheer on my success, who support me and want me to be successful. And you know, if there are people in your life who aren't those people for you, well, then, you know, you get to make a decision about who you want to keep in your life and what you want to allow in and not to say that those are easy decisions, but those are decisions that you get to make.

 

5 tips on dealing with unsupportive family and friends  17:00

So we've talked a little bit about why it happens. I've shared a little bit of you know, of how I've experienced clients, and the ones who are successful are the ones who have a different perspective on other people's success. And having you start to do a little bit of self reflection and think about is how you choose to think about success. And then I have, you know, five specific ways because you know, I really like to give you tangible takeaways of action of what you can do if you're finding yourself in the same situation that that Bernadette is finding herself in, where maybe you have been successful or on your way to success. And you're finding that the people who are around you and who should be loving you and supporting you maybe aren't doing it in the way that is helpful for you. So I have five tips for you. 

 

Tip no. 1- Celebrate your own success  17:46

So the first one is one that Bernadette actually already said, and that is to celebrate your own success. So the solution to this problem, and I need you to hear this right now, the solution to this problem is not to dim your light, it is not to stop trying to climb out of the bucket. It's not to stop trying to be successful or to reach her goals. That's not the solution. Okay? The solution is not to dim your light so that other people feel comfortable. And I think sometimes we do that to try and maintain relationships or trying to maintain, you know, things, maybe friends that we had from a really long time. But I think in the end, giving up your goals, your achievements, your aspirations, in order to maintain a relationship with somebody, for me that's not worth it. Maybe it is for you, you get to make decisions for yourself. But I think that dimming our light to be able to make other people more comfortable is a surefire way to lose yourself and to develop animosity over time like those. That's you if you're not allowed to live and be your authentic self and reach for the goals that you want to reach. Who are you any really right, you're not you're not actually being your authentic self. So I think that celebrating your own success is incredibly important. And that's a skill that I think a lot of women would benefit from learning how to do. It's one of the things we really push a lot in Macros 101, which is why Bernadette mentioned it because I really do teach you how to celebrate yourself and just like pat yourself on the back, I think we call it tooting your own horn. When I teach women in Macros 101, how to toot your own horn. I think that's a really important skill to be able to learn. We don't need other people to say Good job or a pat on the back. I mean, that's nice. But at the end of the day, what you think about yourself matters way more than what anybody else thinks about you. And when what you think about yourself is of utmost importance than what other people think about you just kind of slides off and it just doesn't matter as much. So celebrate your own successes, being really comfortable in your own wins, being proud of the things that you have achieved, I think that's tip number one. 

 

Tip no. 2- Find a community who celebrates your successes  17:46

Tip number two is to find a community who celebrates your successes. If you don't feel like you have that in your family, in your relationships, in your friends, find it somewhere else. Like if you are looking for that supportive community, and you don't currently have it go out and find it, because they're out there. One of the things that people love most about Macros 101 is that we have created a community of women who are so invested in their goals, that they not only like to set goals and work towards them, but they actually invest in reaching those goals. Right? So those are the people who you get to surround yourself with are women who are so invested that they actually purchase a program and get started on a journey together to be able to reach their goals. And the number of like relationships and groups and support that has grown out of that has been so exciting. In fact, just a little while ago, one of our original Macros 101 groups, we do accountability groups inside of Macros 101, and you're paired up with women, and you can afford this little accountability group. And there were four women that were paired in an accountability group from like, two years ago, like when we started Macros 101. And they posted on Instagram, a picture of the four of them, they did like a meetup. In a city, they were all there for like 24 hours, that you got to eat lunch together, they got a chat together, they took pictures, and they posted it on Instagram, just how excited they were to be able to meet each other in real life that they had been supporting each other for the last couple of years in their goals and that it all started inside of Macros 101. And that's what I think every woman needs is some sort of community. And maybe you don't have that, you know, in real life in your, you know, in real life friends, but you can absolutely build that on Instagram, in programs, there is just there's lots of communities of women out there, the internet is great at bringing us together of women who will cheer you on. Will think it's so cool when you hit a PR, we'll think it's amazing and, like, celebrate the heck out of it when you hit your weight loss goals. And finding if you don't have that group, find it, make it a priority to find that group. Because when you have it, it's amazing. And I have like I found that group in fitness, right? I like people who, when I hit fitness, PRs and stuff, they'll care. I know that they'll be super jazzed for me when I do that. And I found it also in business. Not everybody wants to hear about my business, not everybody wants to hear about the struggles or the successes or that where we're at, you know, in our revenue, not a lot of people want to hear that. But I found those people who do. So when I have success in my business, I can tell those friends and  they'll share with me, they'll be so excited that I hit my goals. And I think it's really important in all of our areas of life to have people in any area you are trying to achieve and have people who will cheer when you have that achievement. 

 

Tip no. 3- Communicate your goals with those that you love  23:15

Okay, number three. And I think this is really important for anyone who is at the beginning of a goal to have a conversation with those that you love about what your goal is. Why, the why behind the goal, and any specific requests that you have for support. So what this looks like is sitting down and actually having a conversation and I coached people through Macros 101 on this before, about when you get started, have a conversation with your partner, or your spouse or your roommate about  what are you embarking on? What is the goal that you're trying to achieve? And even more importantly, why does it mean something to you? And I think the reason behind it is one of the most important things that we can give to the people that we love. Because if we just say, you know, I want to lose 20 pounds, that may or may not come off great to your spouse who is thinking, Oh my gosh, what am I having to cut out? What am I going to miss out on now that she's trying to lose 20 pounds. And instead of coming from that perspective, it comes from a perspective of understanding the why behind it. So I don't lose 20 pounds and here's why this is so important to me, it's really important to me, because I don't know I don't feel comfortable in my body. And I want to be at a place where I feel really confident when I walk into a room or I'm trying to get my cholesterol under control or whatever it is for you. But what is more important than conveying the goal to your loved one is conveying the reason behind the goal and that can help them to get on board because your partner may or may not care if you lose 20 pounds. But when you see the why behind it of why it means something to you. They're much more likely to get on with that. And then the third part of that is making requests of your partner, or your friends or whoever is close to you. And I love this idea of making requests of people. So this is not you telling somebody how to behave, it's not you telling someone how they need to, you know, what they need to do during this period of your journey, it's making a request. So for example, I remember I was coaching a woman once who her husband would always bring home McDonald's, that was like their thing. I don't know if it was like a weekly thing. I don't remember if it was a weekly or daily, but I just remember saying like, this was a thing that he would do if he would bring them both home McDonald's. And it was really hard for her, she was really struggling with that, and not knowing how to speak to him about it. And so we had a conversation about making a request for her husband. And so the nice thing about a request is you're not telling someone to do something, you're making a request to them, they can say yes to that request. They could say no to that request. Or they could say yes, but you know, under this contingency, and it allows the person to have autonomy and freedom about how that goes, you can make the request, hey, I'm doing this journey, I'm trying to lose 20 pounds, this is really important to me, because bla,bla,bla,bla,bla. And one thing that makes it really hard for me is when you bring home a McDonald's, and if I could make a request, I would request that, you know, eat it before you come home. You don't have to, you don't have to change anything. I'm not asking you to change anything. I'm not asking you to change your habits or anything. I'm requesting, could you eat it before you come home, and then we'll eat, you know, we'll sit down and have the dinner that I'm having together. So we can still spend time together. So you're making a request. And now again, that person could say no, I'm not willing to fulfill that request. And that's their, you know, their choice. And then you can continue to have a conversation about that if there's a way to make that request work for both of you. Or they could say yes, I'm willing to fulfill that request. Or they could say yes, but here's my stipulations. I also want to do it once a month with you or something like that. But I love this idea of making requests. So sitting down, if you haven't done this yet, that's your homework. When you leave this podcast, sitting down with your spouse, telling them what your goals are, why they're important, and making any specific requests that you have of them, and then allowing them to make requests to you. So you know, after you do that, say, do you have any requests that you would like to make of me, that would make this I know that this impacts you, right, especially for like a spouse, this probably impacts you, or you have any requests that you can make that you want to make of me and maybe the request is like, yeah, I still want to have date night, once a week. Okay, cool, how can we make that work? So letting your partner be able to have requests made as well. Okay, so that's number three. 

 

Tip no. 4- Evaluate how important growth is to you  27:44

Number four, is to evaluate how important growth is to you. So like I said, growth, achievement is very high on my value scale, that is something that is incredibly important to me. And if someone's not willing to be supportive of that, that is a very high value for me. And it's, you know, it's meant separating myself from some relationships, who aren't willing to support that part of me. Because that is a part of me, that's a part of who Amber is, is someone who wants to set goals she wants to achieve, who wants to push the boundaries, who wants to be successful. And if you can't support that, then you don't like me like that; this is part of who I am. And so I think getting really clear on how important growth is to you, or achievement is to you. And maybe it's not very important. And you know, maybe maintaining certain relationships is more important to you. But asking yourself the question, how important is growth to me? And you know, is that a high value for me? What are my values? I take my students through a values exercise and help them figure out what their top values are, because when you understand what your values are, you can make sure that you make decisions that are aligned with those values. And that is what feels really good in the long run is making those decisions intentionally along the lines of your values. 

 

Tip no. 5- Become a better climber  29:00

And then number five tip is to become a better climber. Letting maybe the negativity or like trying to pull you down actually fuel you to like, move forward. And I think I did that a little bit when I talked about this friend relationship that I kind of splintered off from. When she said something derogatory about my business, it made me realize how important it was to me, and how much I did want to, to push this and how much I did want to continue on this path that it was really important to me. And so I let it fuel me like, No, you can't tell me that I can't do something. How many of you guys are like that? Like, tell me I can't do something and then just sit back and watch me because that only gives me more fuel for what I can accomplish because now you don't think I can do it. So sit down, buckle up and watch. So that is an option as well. Right? Let it feel you. Someone telling you that you can't do it or it's impossible or you're never gonna be able to build a business and be a good mom, let that fuel you to make it happen, and to make it a success. 

 

Takeaway 30:07

So those are my tips that I have for you. This was such a good question, Bernadette. And I hope this offers you something to be able to mull over as we're dealing with relationships, relationships are a lifelong thing. And there's something that you know, is going to evolve and take shape and change as we evolve as people and as human beings. And I think this is likely something that many of us are going to deal with at some point or another in our journey. And my hope is that listening to this podcast episode has given you some things to chew on. And maybe some ways to deal with this if and when it shows up in your journey. 

 

Come and share your ideas that might be a good podcast episode 30:46

So that was a really great question. If you guys have questions or things that you think would make good podcast episodes, I can't promise that I will do all of them. But I do love to hear from you. If you have something that you think would be really beneficial that we could do a podcast on, I'd love to hear your ideas. We put them in like Google Docs, and we pick and choose and you know, maybe you'll get a podcast episode, they'll be created based on your question. 

 

Confidence In Your Numbers 31:10

One more reminder that we are offering Confidence In Your Numbers, it's going to be a live masterclass that is coming up on July 28. Confidence In Your Numbers is kind of an intro into Macros 101, it's a really great way to get started, it's in that class, I teach you how to set and adjust macros, I teach you the basics of that. So what we often have is people come into Confidence In Your Numbers and sometimes they're like, this is enough, I have all the information I need, I can go and just execute and go do it on my own. And that's amazing. And then for some other people, they get started and they realize that you know, there's more to counting macros than just numbers and they want to come into Macros 101 where they get more coaching, more of the mental work that goes along with it. And then we allow you to apply what you spent on Confidence In Your Numbers to Macros 101. So that's been a question that people have been asking, what's the difference between the two, I would say, Confidence In Your Numbers is like a it's like a level one, it's like a getting started, it's a really great way to get started now and to start taking action so that when you get to joining Macros 101, when we open doors August 30, that you are in a really great place to start getting coached. The pinnacle or what really makes Macros 101 different from Confidence In Your Numbers, or really any other program that you're looking at is the style and effectiveness of the coaching that you receive in Macros 101. And so because of that, if you want to get started now I'd say Confidence In Your Numbers and then take that investment. Confidence In Your Numbers usually $149 we discount it for the live class, so it's $99 and then we allow you to play that $99 investment to come in and join your Macros 101. So if you're interested in learning more about Confidence In Your Numbers, go to bicepsafterbabies.com/confidence. That wraps up this episode of biceps after babies radio. I'm Amber now go out and be strong because remember my friend you could do anything.

 

Outro

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